We Have to Stop Hiding
Written by Ellen Frank Bayer
When you are the parent of a child who doesn’t fit the mold – who is non-religious or who identifies as lesbian, gay, trans, bi, or queer – you often find yourself between a rock and a hard place, and your first inclination is to hide. In fact, it quickly becomes very obvious that the community would prefer that you hide, too. To just disappear. It’s easier than having to deal with the situation.
We, the parents of the LGBTQ population, do not have a “Kulanu camp” or HASC, or even Camp Simcha where we can send our children.
Our children are not handicapped. They are different, but they are normal and healthy. They just have a different sexual identity.
But the worst thing we can do is to hide. It’s the worst for our children, and it’s the worst for our community. What we need to do is stop hiding and start accepting, start welcoming.
My daughter first came out when she was sixteen. I will never forget the reaction of her high school principal. Besides telling me to reach out to Eshel (an organization that creates community and acceptance for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender Jews and their families in Orthodox Jewish communities), she also told me to let my daughter finish the rest of her senior year at home.
This was pre-COVID and before Zoom classes became the norm.
But while this would have been the easiest solution for the school, it was not the right decision for my daughter. She was questioning her sexual identity and had many issues which she was working through, and she was dealing with depression. She was under the care of a trained therapist and getting support, but school was the only solid part of her life, and telling her to stay home and remain isolated was not the solution.
I convinced her school that my daughter was not a danger to herself or others, by getting her counseling and providing a letter from her therapist. In the end, she actually found the support and encouragement she needed from her peers.
The Eshel community became a lifeline.
It was there that I met other parents of children who did not fit the mold.
Parents who would rather have their children healthy and alive, than “normal” according to the community.
Through the support we’ve received, we’ve come to realize that while things may not be turning out the way we expected, they are still going to turn out well. It is through Eshel that parents of LGBTQ children can get their questions answered, and it’s where we gained the confidence to talk about diversity and inclusion and to call out the racist jokes told at the kiddushim we attend.
In November of 2018, my husband and I attended an Eshel Retreat that
changed our lives. While we were there we heard the story of a parent who was having a hard time dealing with their child’s choices and their words struck a deep chord with us.
Through the story they shared with us how they realized the importance of learning to accept their child as they are and to continue loving them. Those words will echo with me forever.
All of us are created in God’s image. As a parent it is our responsibility to love our children, and that love has to be unconditional. It’s not dependent on what anyone else feels is right or normal, they are our children – a part of us.
In the words of Rabbi Shlomo Riskin, “we have to love our children no matter what.”
When your child tells you they are gay or trans, they are not rejecting you, or your religion, or your values. Our children need to have a safe place to be themselves and it starts at home. When your child comes to you, don’t shut them down – keep the lines of communication open. Show them that you accept them for who they are – no matter what that looks like – and make sure they know you love them. You may be saving their life.
Eshel works with individuals, families, and communities in creating a place for their LGBTQ members. If you or a loved one need support, you can call Eshel’s “warmline” at 1-724-374-3501 or for a more immediate response, send a confidential email to: info@eshelonline.org
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