What Does It Mean To Be Asexual?
Written by Adara Yael Peskin-Shalem
When I was in seventh grade at sleepaway camp, one night we girls were going around the bunk sharing who our crushes were. I felt I needed to share something and said that I had a crush on Daniel, because he really was the only boy approximately my age that I knew in my city (thanks to my non-co-ed education). I didn’t actually know what a crush meant, but he was good looking, so why not?
When I was in eighth grade we had a camp reunion, and it had boys and girls together, and I told myself that I’ll find someone to have a crush on. I chose this guy Refael, because he was good-looking and seemed nice, and as we were on the bus to go roller skating, I practiced writing my name next to his, along with some hearts, on the foggy glass, because that is what you are supposed to do when you have a crush, right?
I ended up dating quite a few guys in high school and got married at 18, but there was one thing all these relationships had in common. I wanted to feel wanted, wanted to feel loved. But no, I didn’t actually feel any sexual attraction.
Because of my education, I thought that was normal. I thought men were the ones that lusted after women, wanted sex, thought about sex when they saw pretty women, but women weren’t like that. Women didn’t desire men physically. They wanted relationships and they were willing to have sex to please men. Right? Wrong.
When I was married, one of the bigger issues we had, something we constantly fought about, was that I never wanted to have sex, I didn’t want him, and wasn’t doing what I should as a wife, because of my lack of desire. Premarriage classes and society made me feel like I owed him sex, because that was what a wife should do, what a good spouse does. But I felt broken. Like there was something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just be that good wife?
Once I got divorced (no, that was not the reason for our divorce, but it definitely played a part), I learned about asexuality. And then I felt a little more normal.
Asexuality is part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. The full name is LGBTQIA (and sometimes with a 2S), standing for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer/Questioning, Intersex, Asexual/Aromantic. When people talk about Pride, and things like the Pride Parade, they aren’t just talking about gay and trans people, they are also talking about intersex and asexual people. People who hate on Pride for religious reasons don’t realize that there is a decent subset of people in the LGBTQ+ community that don’t do anything or even have any attractions that are remotely forbidden.
So what exactly is asexuality? To be honest, it is a complicated thing. I only fully understood it, and came out officially as asexual, to myself and to others, once I read the book recommended to me by an ace (asexual) friend: Ace-What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, by Angela Chen.
Originally I heard about the term Grey Ace, which means someone sort of asexual, but not exactly. And I thought that defined me. Because I was willing to have sex here and there, even if I didn’t want to. I could enjoy myself having sex. But I was also OK living my life without ever having sex again. And I did want to be in a loving relationship with a partner. A physical relationship even. Just not necessarily a sexual one. And I found certain people really hot. So not totally Ace. Grey Ace.
But then I read the book and found out that it is much more complicated than that.
There are several terms that need explaining…
Asexuality means not experiencing sexual attraction. Period. A person who is asexual never sees another person and thinks, “I would love to get into bed with him/her”. Nope. No sexual attraction means you don’t ever think that about anyone.
Sexual attraction is different from libido. Libido is sexual desire. Someone can be non-asexual (called allosexual) and have no libido, no interest in sex. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have sexual attraction. They wouldn’t be asexual. And someone can be asexual and still have a libido. They might ignore it, or do something on their own about it, or even have sex, even though they aren’t sexually attracted. Libido is purely physical/hormonal desire and not related to your emotions or whether or not you are sexually attracted. Many things can affect libido, like depression, exhaustion, busyness with life, medications, etc. Low libido does not mean
asexual.
And then there’s the aspect of attitudes towards sex. Someone can be sex-positive, sex-neutral, sex-averse, or anywhere in between. Someone can be sex-positive towards one type of people and sex-averse towards another. Or they can be sex-positive towards all types, or sex-repulsed towards all types. Or any combination. This does not define whether or not someone is asexual, and this is not libido. It’s emotional and it’s about interest. For example, someone can be asexual, high libido, and sex-averse, and it’s difficult for them, and they may experience bad feelings because of that, or find ways to take care of it without sex.
Confused yet? Just wait, it gets even more complicated.
So far we have only talked about sexuality. But what about romance?
Someone can be asexual or aromantic or both.
Aromantic people don’t experience romantic attraction and aren’t interested in romantic relationships. Period. People can be aromantic but not asexual, or asexual but not aromantic.
So a person can be asexual and be in a loving, romantic relationship, but completely without sex because they have no interest in it.
I’m alloromantic and asexual. Which means I want relationships. I want romance. I want the love and partnership you can get in a romantic relationship. But not with someone I’m sexually attracted to, because that doesn’t happen. And let’s leave the sex out of any relationship I’m in.
And the last aspect, for now, is attraction. As I mentioned above, my first two “crushes” were on Daniel and Refael, but that wasn’t an actual crush. I thought they were good-looking and nice people. I did have some attraction, but it wasn’t sexual or romantic. I just appreciated their good looks and personality. You can definitely have strong, positive, and warm genuine feelings towards the opposite sex and still be asexual. Because of compulsory sexuality (more on that in a minute), we assume that any positive feelings we have towards the opposite gender must be attraction, because society talks all the time about love and attraction. You can enjoy those things about someone, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t asexual. This is kind of similar to the fact that I don’t eat gluten, and if someone brings a cake near me, I can appreciate how it looks, its smell, the artistry involved, but have zero interest in eating it. That’s how I feel about people, and that’s how many asexual people feel about men and women.
Another thing that I read to help me understand that I am definitely ace was this master document (31 pages long) someone compiled on compulsory heterosexuality and made public. The concept of compulsory heterosexuality is that society trains people to be straight and sexual people. Boys like girls, girls like boys, boys marry girls, girls marry boys, that’s the way of the world. And because this is how we are raised, sometimes it is hard to figure out that that isn’t actually who you are. The purpose of this document is to help people realize if they are actually lesbian, even though society has convinced them that they are straight, but reading it also helped me realize that what in the past I thought was attraction was not actually that… When I read through this list, I went tick, tick, tick, tick, that is me. Why didn’t I know this? Why did I only realize I was ace at the age of 33, after dating lots of people, being married for thirteen years, and divorced with four kids?
It’s because of compulsory sexuality, not just heterosexuality.
So how do you actually have a relationship if you’re ace? First off, not everyone even wants a relationship. But for those who do, it can be challenging.
Whether you can have a good relationship or not depends on communication, your relationship, your libido, and whether you are sex-positive, neutral, or averse. In an ideal situation there will be two people who are on the same wavelength, both ace, or both with the same interest or
disinterest in sex, and find a relationship that gives them what you want. But it can be more complicated when you’re already in a relationship and realize that you’re ace.
If someone is already married or in a long-term committed relationship and they realize they’re ace, it will take a lot of good communication to work this through. It definitely can challenge the relationship. I’d recommend finding a good couples counselor to work through this issue. This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It is just a challenge that needs to be worked out. In the worst-case scenario, divorce is what happens, but that is by no means a given.
If someone asexual but not aromantic gets into a relationship, their relationship can look like any other, just without any sex. Romance, love, holding hands, kissing, all the things you find in a regular relationship, only without the sexual stuff.
If someone is totally aromantic and asexual, sometimes they have what is called a QP, or queerplatonic, relationship, something that is like a really close friendship but it is more. It’s platonic plus. It goes beyond what is socially or normally accepted in a platonic relationship but it is not romantic and doesn’t fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship. They generally have the emotional closeness and dedication found in romantic relationships. They might be more physical than friends would be, like holding hands or cuddling. And people in a queerplatonic relationship might even decide to build a life together, or even marry and raise a family together.
If you are unsure whether you might be asexual or not, I’ve compiled a list based on the compulsory heterosexuality master document, and maybe it will help you find clarity.
Sexuality is not discussed very much in the religious community, and it needs to be. So many people have a lot of hate and disdain towards the LGBTQ+ community. This is quite problematic, but fortunately, recently there have been even some chareidi rabbis speaking out about welcoming gay people into the community and not just writing them off because of their sexual orientation. But overall, the religious community accuses the LGBTQ+ community of being immoral and sinners and abominations. Why? Because the Torah prohibits a specific sexual act between men, and Why? Because the Torah prohibits a specific sexual act between men, and later halachic authorities prohibit a specific sexual act between women.
Although it’s really important to point out here that it’s wrong to hate the gay community, that hating is against the Torah and the myriad reasons why people should be “dan lekaf zchut” (give the benefit of the doubt) and not judge someone until they’re in their shoes, there’s a finer point to be made. And that is that there are gay asexual people. There are gay aromantic people. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they are doing anything that halacha frowns upon. There are many gay people who are asexual and are just in a gay relationship for companionship, love, warmth, snuggles, and dates, but literally do nothing sexual. And there are gay people who are not asexual, but because of halacha stick to just romance and no sex in their relationship.
Yes, there obviously are gay people who are sexually involved with each other, but only God knows who actually is doing what. Assuming that all gay people are sinners and abominations is erasing asexual gay people, and judging an entire community as wrongdoers, even though there are plenty of ways to judge them favorably.
There is so much lack of awareness about the ace community, both in the world at large and especially in the religious world, and there is a problem with that. So many ace people think that there is something wrong or broken with them, but there’s a whole spectrum of humanity, and just like there are people with red hair, brown hair, blond hair, and black hair, there are allosexual, alloromantic, asexual, aromantic people and more, and we need to learn to accept and be happy and even be proud of how God made them all. Because God doesn’t make mistakes.
Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they are doing anything that halacha frowns upon.
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