When Your Friend Loses Their Baby

Nov 1, 2021 | Marriage & Relationships, Motherhood and Parenting

Written by Danina Avery, CD, CLC, CBE

Warning: This article discusses pregnancy loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, and newborn loss.

 

As parents, we live and breathe for our children. They are simultaneously our greatest source of joy and our greatest source of concern. Is there anything worse than the thought of our children dying? 

Most of us start our pregnancies hoping for a healthy, living baby. But that isn’t always the result. Sometimes we want a baby, we hope for a baby, but then in the end, we have no baby. 

Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life. Sometimes, women lose their babies. It can happen as early as during gestation (a miscarriage), as a stillbirth (when a baby comes out lifeless), or a baby that passes away at just a few hours or months old. 

How frequently does it happen? According to helloclue.com, an organization run by clinicians that shares information about female health, one in five detected pregnancies end in miscarriage, but it is believed that the actual number of miscarriages is closer to one in three because many women think their miscarriage is just a late, heavy period. Miscarriages are more common during the first trimester, but they can also happen any time until 20 weeks of

gestation. After that, it is called a stillbirth (when the baby dies in the womb or during delivery). According to the CDC about one in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. And, according to the WHO, about 3.3 million babies per year die during the first four weeks of life. 

When we hear the awful news that someone has experienced any of these losses, we automatically feel sadness and we often want to reach out and help. Unfortunately, sometimes our best intentions can be received as insensitive and unhelpful. This article is for those who want to be able to reach out and help our dear family and friends who are experiencing this tragedy but want to do it in a way that is sensible and thoughtful. 

In researching this article, we polled women on social media who have experienced all sorts of losses. We asked them what they found helpful 

and what they found unhelpful. Many women came together from around the world to share their most intimate and tragic life moments so that hopefully other women who experience this don’t have to go through the same lack of support they did. The stories were heartbreaking. But to hear what these women endured from their closest friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, and even the hospital staff was like pouring salt in the wound. 

Obviously, everyone will have different needs depending on their situation, personality, and what stage of life their loss happened. Something that might be helpful and meaningful to one person may not be as helpful to another. All we can do is listen, be mindful, and try our best. Sometimes when we just cannot think of the “right” thing to do or say, a simple “I’m sorry” and “I’m here for you” can go very far. 

Here are some things mothers found to be helpful in their grieving process:  

 

  • Sit quietly with the parents and give them the space to talk *if they want to*.
  • Make or buy meals that are easy to freeze and reheat. Arranging a meal train is another option *with permission*.
  • Check in with them with a simple “I am thinking about you and sending you love.”
  • Offer help with older children – school drop off/pick-ups, host play dates, etc.
  • Show up and clean their kitchen, do laundry, or take out the trash. You can also offer to pay someone to clean their house. 
  • Drop off postpartum healing items, like things to help get rid of milk supply, pads, belly binder, etc. Remember that their body will go through almost the same type of postpartum healing regardless of a mid-pregnancy or late-term loss. 
  • Let them express their true feelings, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. 
  • Funds or resources for therapy. Maybe (with their permission) you can reach out to the community for crowd-sourcing. Make sure the therapist has experience in this arena. Not all therapists have the same training. 
  • Help with funeral costs or arrangements. 
  • Give them resources for online support groups.
  • Give them the space to grieve without expecting them to reach out to you or show up for you in any way.
  • Drop off a weighted stuffed animal they can hold.
  • Offer to pack up the baby’s items. It has been pointed out that these items should be kept in a separate location for a while in case the parents decide they aren’t ready to let go of everything right away. 
  • After a while, include them in your special activities and holidays. Do not assume that they do not want to be around other people or that they don’t want a distraction. 
  • Mention the baby’s name and occasionally any fond memories that might’ve been shared about them.
  • If your friend asks you to not talk about it, respect their request. Everyone grieves differently. 
  • Do say things like: 

I’m so sorry. 

I can’t imagine what this must feel like.

I’ll call you in a day or two to check in. (Make sure to follow through!!)

You don’t have to be strong right now. 

It’s okay to cry. I’m not afraid of tears.

I care about you.

You are already a wonderful mother (if they lost their first).

What mothers did NOT find helpful, and often hurt a lot: 

 

  • Do not get offended if they do not answer or return your calls/texts. Please remember this isn’t about you. Be there for them in whatever way they allow you to, but do not be overbearing. 
  • Do not compare your loss to theirs, but some women do find it helpful to hear that others have had their own experiences with loss. It helps to make them feel not so alone. 
  • Do not ignore them in the street. Say hello, give them a hug, or hold their hand if that’s something you’re used to doing. Treat them like a normal human being. 
  • Many people find it unhelpful when others ask how they’re doing. They’re obviously not doing well. It’s better to say, “I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to say.”
  • Do not say anything remotely like:

Everything happens for a reason.

Hashem always has a plan.

Your baby is happy/healthy in Shamayim (heaven).

At least you can have more children.

At least it happened early and it’s not like a real loss.

You’ll get over it eventually.

You need to be strong.

You can always adopt.

Some women just aren’t meant to have babies.

When are you going to have babies? (You never know who has experienced a loss).

Thankfully you weren’t further along, that would’ve been worse. 

At least you’re still young.

The baby probably wouldn’t have made it anyways, so this is Hashem‘s way of “taking care of it.”

It wasn’t meant to be.

At least they didn’t suffer. 

  • In general, avoid anything that begins with “at least.” 
  • Do not say, “If you need anything let me know,” and wait for them to call you. I can understand how you may not want to push something, but grieving parents oftentimes don’t even have the mental capacity to think of what they would find helpful and then ask for it. It’s much better to offer something and have them say yes or no. Then reach back out a couple of days later and offer something else. 
  • Do not stop checking in after a few days/weeks. The grief never really goes away, and many parents feel forgotten after a while. 
  • Keep in mind that not everyone can or will have another child. They may have needed a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) or a future pregnancy might be too medically unsafe to try again. We don’t know details about their personal life, regardless of their age. Either way, another child will never replace the one they lost. That void will be with them forever. 

Resources for your friend or family member: 

I had the opportunity of speaking to Rena Strulowitz Newman, who shared her own tragic experience of loss. Someone introduced her to Reva Judas, the founder of NechamaComfort.org, an organization that offers grieving parents support, like: crisis intervention, guidance for medical personnel, guidance for clergy, Jewish burial support, individual and group counseling, monthly support groups, ongoing support including assistance during subsequent pregnancies, assistance to help families find meaningful ways to move beyond their loss, and community awareness programs. 

Rena shared that she was so grateful to have someone like Reva in her corner – someone not only with helpful advice, but who also had her own experience in this arena. Rena began volunteering for Nechama Comfort when she was ready and felt like she could offer her own support for families, especially as a social worker herself. We did discuss a few things that parents don’t always think about and sometimes feel backed into a corner with:

  • Babies are supposed to be alive for a certain amount of days (30) before you have to sit shiva for them, but you may have the option of doing it regardless if your baby did not make it to the 30 days. Saying Yizkor and lighting an extra Shabbat candle for them is also an option. Make sure to reach out to a competent halachic authority about this sensitive matter. 
  • It’s helpful for the parent to get something to help remember the baby by, like a piece of jewelry with their name, a teddy bear, or even jewelry made out of breastmilk. Some parents like to plant something that blooms around the time of the baby’s birthday. 
  • Some Rabbis say you shouldn’t name your baby, but make sure to have a Rabbi who is sensitive to loss and is sharing halacha – not just their own personal opinion. Some will say that it is appropriate to name a baby that comes out with a human form. The name should be one the parents never intended to give to one of their children and preferably is indicative of the special circumstance e.g. Rachamim (mercy) for a boy, Batya (daughter of Hashem) for a girl.
  • Some Rabbis and Chevra Kadisha believe that the parents shouldn’t know where the baby is buried if they did not make it to the 30 days because it can make grieving worse. Some parents agree, but others end up suffering more by not knowing. Make sure to ask about this before the burial so you can find out where your baby will be buried if you want to know. 
  • Many women are not made aware by their care providers that there are options for their milk supply, especially if their loss was after 20 weeks of pregnancy. They can either pump and donate their milk (some women find comfort by doing this), or they can do things at home to fully stop their milk supply. This takes about 1-2 weeks. 

I reached out to a Rav who helps to run a local Chevra Kadisha and asked him to confirm a few of these questions. This was his answer: “Many of the questions do not have a clear-cut Halachic answer. The experience is so painful that many people in this tragic circumstance are in desperate need for emotional support and are somewhat innovative in the rituals they perform. They may not be against Halacha, but are more personal expressions of grief, than normative Minhag.”

It’s very common for families who experience a miscarriage to also need resources for fertility. These two issues unfortunately tend to go hand-in-hand. Below are some resources: 

Bonei Olam 

Bonei Olam provides support to a couple facing infertility, at every step of the way. We help with medical referrals, counselor support, and if needed, financial assistance.   

+1 (718) 373 – 2000

Yesh Tikvah

Yesh Tikva, Hebrew for “There Is Hope,” has two primary goals:

1) To provide free, professional psychosocial services and resources to those struggling with infertility.

2) To raise awareness and sensitivity about infertility throughout the Jewish community.

support@yeshtikva.org

A TIME

A TIME provides information, resources, and assistance at every step of the road to parenthood. Focusing on the larger picture of women’s health, we also address issues beyond the scope of infertility, touching hearts every step of the way.

 +1 (718) 686 – 8912 ext 113

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