Children of Divorce: How to Avoid Making Your Kids a Statistic

Too many people stay in marriages that are really unhealthy, for far too long. One of the many reasons people do this is because they love their children and, knowing how hard divorce can be on kids, want to do what is best for them, even at the expense of their own happiness. They want to prevent the damage divorce can do to children, and so they stay together even when it is long past the time that they should have left their marriage. I know so many cases like this, where parents wait until their children are grown up and out of the house (or at least some of them are), before divorcing. My parents and ex in-laws are among those numbers. Many of my classmates’ parents divorced after we all graduated high school. According to Fatherly.com, the highest rates of divorce are before five years and after 20.

The thing is, there is this mistaken idea that by staying in a bad marriage you will only be benefiting your children. However, staying in a bad marriage does more harm than good. In fact, there aren’t that many differences statistically between children who grow up in homes with constant strife and those whose parents divorced. The reason for this is because living in a home where there is either constant fighting and/or abuse takes a big toll on a child. Living like this causes kids to have increased stress levels, emotional issues such as anxiety and depression, low self-esteem, unhealthy perfectionism, and behavioral issues. They also tend to have trauma, insomnia, stomach aches, separation anxiety, and much more. As teens their familial situation is more likely to cause them to have poorer academic achievements, increased substance abuse, self-destructive behavior, and suicidal tendencies. Staying married “for the sake of the children” is not the panacea it is made out to be.

There is a well-known statistic that children from divorced homes are more likely to get divorced themselves, but what is not known is that children from homes with bad marriages tend to get married earlier and divorce early, in a similar way to children of divorced homes.

So if divorce messes up kids and parents being in a bad marriage messes up kids, what is the benefit of divorce over sticking out the bad marriage, at least when it comes to the kids?

Children who see unhealthy marriages and their parents staying in them tend to think that this is what a normal marriage looks like. Their idea of a normal relationship is skewed. This is why they tend to get into similarly unhealthy relationships. But when parents divorce, they are telling their children that their relationship was not a healthy one, and their children, at least if they were younger when the divorce happened, don’t witness many years of a dysfunctional marriage and view it as normal.

When someone is in an abusive situation and leaves it, they are also teaching their children that you can and should leave an abusive situation. Not leaving this abuse teaches their children that you should just put up with dangerous relationships instead of getting out of them. Even if a marriage isn’t abusive, but just unhealthy enough to make parents miserable, staying in the marriage teaches children that they don’t deserve to be emotionally and mentally healthy. Leaving teaches your children that they have a right to pursue emotionally healthy relationships and don’t need to be martyrs.

Lastly, when someone’s bad marriage takes a big toll on their mental health, it also takes a toll on their ability to parent. Children deserve parents that are at their best, and in order for that to happen, parents need to take care of their mental health. If staying in a bad marriage is affecting one’s mental health (and how can it not?), leaving it can make them be a much better parent. I knew that I would not be able to be mentally healthy as long as I was in my marriage, and since I left my ex, I have been a calmer parent, more present and able to be the parent my kids deserve. My kids are now growing up in two calm homes, instead of one filled with screaming and fights.

Part of the reason that children from divorced homes end up in difficult situations is that even once leaving bad marriages, problematic

behaviors from the parents often continue, even unknowingly, which has a cumulative negative effect on the children. There are things parents can do to mitigate the damage to their children, but it isn’t easy and involves putting one’s kids first instead of the pain from the broken marriage. However, if you want your children to have the best shot at life, despite the statistically significant problematic home that they come from, it is worth making the effort. Here are some psychologist-recommended ways to do right for your children when divorcing.

Post Divorce Counseling

Even if you detest your ex and want nothing to do with him, you are raising children together and need to find a way to work together for their sake, or risk harming them further. Family counselors often work with couples and their children after divorce, and they meet with all the parties involved, in different configurations. They’ll meet the children, at least initially, and perhaps on a regular basis. The counselors will meet you and they will meet your ex. They will be able to advise you on parenting related matters, including using information they pick up from your children. The first session with you and your ex might be extremely unpleasant, as well as future sessions, but hopefully, within a few sessions, you and your ex can be calm enough to discuss important kid-related issues together. If possible, pre-divorce counseling is also important, if only to figure out how to break the news of the divorce to the children in as least traumatic a method as possible.

In addition to the family counseling, it is important that your children get therapy to help them deal with the emotional difficulties involved in the divorce, especially if they witnessed anything traumatic during the divorce process or preceding it. This is probably one of the most important things for them, as it helps them process the situation. Kids often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce and have anger and resentment towards their parents, and professional help can alleviate some of their distress.

Counseling for you, as the parent, is also important. Ending a marriage, no matter how peaceful the process, but even more so if it is acrimonious, is a painful thing, causing strong emotions. There is likely also resentment and anger and guilt and frustration and self-recrimination and blame and grief and a host of other painful feelings, which if they aren’t dealt with, will come out in other ways, and affect your parenting. By taking care of yourself in this matter, you will be able to be a better mom to your children during and after the divorce.

All this counseling can get expensive, but fortunately, there are some organizations that subsidize family counseling, including religious ones. You can also look into counseling through your health insurance. For those in Israel, there is counseling offered through the revacha, social services. And the last option, if you can’t afford this therapy, is to ask for charity to cover it. Many synagogues have discretionary funds which can be availed for purposes like this. A friend of mine told me, when I wasn’t able to afford counseling post separation, that if there was ever a time to do a GoFundMe, that was such a time. Money shouldn’t be a barrier to getting the children help. Hopefully, this won’t be long-term help, and the funds won’t be necessary for too long. Even a few initial sessions to get advice on how to handle things vis-à–vis the kids can dramatically make a difference.

No Middleman

Do not, under any circumstances, have your child be the middleman, either in your divorce or after it. Someone I know had her daughter pass on the message to her father that she wanted a divorce. This has had repercussions on the daughter years and years later. But even less bad things are still problematic. 

Children should not be used to pass messages back and forth between the parents. Parents need to find a way to communicate with each other, either directly, or if not directly, then through a mediator or lawyer, but absolutely not through the child. This responsibility is not fair to the child, and also is damaging to them.