Teaching by Example or Watch Your Mouth!

Speak nicely about yourself. Your kids learn from every word.

At this stage of life, I have finished bringing up my kids — and now, they are educating me.

I am glad I didn’t have daughters, as I was so infected by the negative self-image nonsense of my generation (and perhaps every generation) that even if I told girls that they were smart, beautiful, and capable, my own behavior would have taught them the opposite. I was always too fat, geeky, unathletic, or too weird for my own tastes. This lack of self-value didn’t blossom in a vacuum, of course. Sarcastic jokes and snide remarks from friends and family teach us to negatively define ourselves as we are growing up. So does a culture that worships beauty in only its very slim (but not too skinny) and acne-free form. During my growing up and even as a mature adult, it was considered normal to put oneself down and narcissistic to say anything nice about oneself.

Fortunately, my sons married women with healthier self-images than their mother-in-law had of herself at their ages. I love to listen to them speak positively not only about their daughters and sons, but about themselves in their children’s presence. They avoid negative self-talk. And they are teaching others to value themselves and to speak positively about themselves around their children. As my son David says, “Let the words you say about yourself be the words you want to hear your kids saying about themselves.”

Successful parents speak well of themselves. Not narcissistically, but fairly, without insulting themselves. As my daughter-in-law Tova says: “I’ve never met a woman who thought her mother wasn’t beautiful, regardless of her body type, unless the mother spoke negatively about herself.”

Speak well about and to others in front of your kids.

You know that shocked feeling you get when you hear your toddler say something inappropriate that you know she learned from you? Many people think they are being funny with sarcastic little jokes about and to their spouses and their children. They don’t stop to think about the long-term damage those “cute jokes” can have. (”Wow! Didn’t know you were preggers! Haha. Just kidding. Maybe a jacket will help.”) They don’t realize the silent messages they are sending to their children. We all know adults who think they’re fat when they’re not because they were always called the chubby one, or who think they can’t sing because a parent shut them down when they were off-key rather than encouraging them to keep practicing. (“You can’t carry a tune in a bucket! Stop! You’re making everyone’s ears bleed! Haha. Just kidding…”)

On the flip side, there is something very heartwarming about listening to parents gently,

lovingly refer to their children by sweet honorifics such as “neshama” or “tzadik,” or being their sincere cheerleaders, and telling them that their efforts are getting better and better all the time. It is easy to observe that the children want very much to live up to those nicknames and that praise.

Remember that you reap what you sow. If you speak to your child with respect, he’s more likely at fifteen and twenty-five to speak to you with respect, even when he disagrees with you. Being your child’s “best friend” does not instill confidence in the child. But you can model the respect you hope to receive by respecting your children. Not as equals, but as independent human beings rather than extensions of yourself. Speak nicely to and about your family members. They are more likely to return the favor.

Take time to care for yourself so that you can take care of those around you.

Another concept my daughters-in-law and sons are modeling for their children is self-care. This is especially important in this age when it is very rare for anyone to be able to afford to be a stay-at-home parent, meaning two exhausted people have to share the childrearing and home care in ways unprecedented in their parents’ generation. Self-sacrifice to the level of endangering our health was never a great idea for parents. Today it is impossible.

Also from Tova: “How much better the world would be if each mother realized that the greatest gift she could give to her children was to give to herself the way she gives to them. She would triple all that she gave to them coming from a place of abundance. And even more… she would be teaching the next generation how to break out of the cycle of simply surviving, of guilt, and show them that a good mother is not defined by being a martyr.” 

Still, feelings of guilt persist. One young friend tried to explain the predicament. “I try to give a hundred percent to my job and a hundred percent to my family — and of course — I end up short-changing everyone.” As well as yourself! This was a good opportunity to share the Story of the Egg, because a good story teaches so much more than any lecture.

During the Holocaust, a widowed mother of six children found that most precious of commodities: a single, unbroken hen’s egg. How could she divide that egg six ways to feed each of her children? She finally snuck into her room and swallowed the contents of the eggshell herself, realizing that she could do more for her children with that additional tablespoon of protein and fat than she could by trying to split it up. Take care of yourself first to better be able to care for those who depend on you.