When Rabbis Abuse 

By Dr. Elana Maryles Sztokman

(Lioness Books, ISBN 9781957712017)

Review by Hannah Heller

We are proud of our Jewish heritage and it is an honor to be part of the Jewish community. Well, that is most of the time. Like any other community, there are times when the system breaks down. When abuse, sexual harrassment, threats and assault enter an environment, it becomes a toxic place to be for everyone involved. This is especially true when rabbis, teachers, administrators, board members, donors and other leaders become abusers. Rabbis of synagogues, principals of schools and directors of  organizations set the tone, influence policies and are role models for the rest of the world. What happens when these leaders are criminals and abusers?

In her new book, When Rabbis Abuse, Dr. Elana Maryles Sztokman takes her readers through the processes and patterns of various types of abuse. She shares narratives from survivors and the ways the abuse negatively impacted their lives. When Dr. Sztokman embarked on a research project into abuse in the Jewish world, she found such an abundance of people in authority engaging in this kind of criminal activity that it developed into a book about rabbis and leaders who abuse.

It is important to note that abuse can happen anywhere, the author emphasizes. No Jewish community is exempt from it. From the most ultra-Orthodox to the most Reform and secular and every observance level in between, rabbinic and leadership abusers find a place to engage in destructive behavior and wreak havoc on a large number of innocent and unsuspecting victims. To say that this is someone else’s problem and that it does not happen where you are is a distortion of the truth. Abuse can easily happen in your synagogue, your child’s school, a non-profit organization that you support, summer camps, youth retreats and other environments where predators have an opportunity to be alone with the people they are targeting.

In disclosing the harsh truths of abuse by Jewish leaders, Dr. Sztokman talks about something that is even more traumatic than the abuse itself. When survivors find the courage to speak publicly about the abuse, they are often silenced and not taken seriously. They are told that sharing this information violates the prohibition of lashon horah, speaking evil words about someone, turning a fellow Jew in to the authorities and that it is a chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Jewish world. Victims are persecuted and ostracized, and often have to leave their jobs, communities and families. When the abuser is a family member, the situation is even worse. The person has no safe haven and has to re-establish themselves in a home environment where they are safe. Sadly, the author notes, many survivors end up separating from Jewish life and Jewish observance. Some will totally break off contact with anyone who is Jewish and will avoid all contact with any Jewish leader.

Dr. Sztokman takes us through the patterns of abusers and the process of “grooming” where they find those who are vulnerable, gain their loyalty through flattery and “love bombing” and gradually invade their physical and emotional space. Abuse is not limited to physical contact, the author notes. There are situations of sexting, phone sex, voyeurism, inappropriate comments, belittling and other ways of compromising the safety of their victims. There is a description of the profile of a typical abuser. Most of them are charismatic and are attracted to careers where they can easily gain the trust of a large group of people. They have a strong need for adoration and they believe that they are above the law. Because they become so admired, their supervisors often ignore complaints and keep the abusers in their jobs. The supervisors rationalize that  the alleged abuser can “wow” a crowd with their dynamic presentations, speaking or musical skills. When confronted about their behavior, abusers will often “gaslight” their victims and tell them that they are imagining things. They will deny their crimes and people will often believe them because of their high-level positions.

When it comes to sharing important information about abusers, the author notes, gossip has saved many lives. It is a mitzvah (good deed) to warn someone to stay away from an abuser and avoid any potential destruction caused by contact with this kind of person.

This book is quite powerful and it gave me an understanding of the extent of the destruction caused by abusers and predators. The sad stories and the long-term impacts of sexual abuse are heart wrenching. I felt reassured when Dr. Sztokman provided a list of resources where victims and their families can find assistance. She addresses what steps we can take to deal with abuse, as well as what we can do to prevent it from happening. She notes that there are many talented people who are lost to our communities because abusers and their supporters have driven them away. 

When Rabbis Abuse is an intense and very important read. Building awareness of the problems with abusers in the ranks of leadership is important in order for us to deal with this issue effectively. The way to rescue communities from the destruction of abusers is to recognize abuse when it happens, remove abusers from positions of power and authority, and support the victims and their families. Our survival as a community depends on dealing with this issue and it can no longer be ignored.