Is it OK to Pray at a Grave?
Written by Arnie Draiman
“I am going to the grave of Rabbi Meir the miracle worker, to pray that I find my lost wedding ring.”
“I am going to the Amuka, the grave of Yonatan Ben Uzi’el, to pray for a shidduch (marriage partner).”
“I am going to visit the grave of Rabbi Gedalya Moshe of Zvhil, and pray for my child who is very sick.”
There is a long standing tradition in Judaism about visiting and praying at the graves of our relatives. It is often referred to as “Kever Avot” (the graves of our ancestors), and the usual custom is to go on the anniversary of their death (Yahrzeit) and pray to God for a peaceful eternal rest for the deceased. Some also go during the month of Elul before Rosh Hashana, and at other designated times during the year. We also ask that on the basis of their good deeds, that we, their descendants, be merited as well.
Though not specifically mentioned in the Torah, the idea of visiting Kever Avot appears several times in the Talmud and in the Midrash (other sources expounding on Biblical texts) from approximately 2000 years ago. For example, in a discussion about the Biblical verse “They went up to the Negev and he came to Hevron,” (Numbers 13:22), the Talmudic discussion (Sotah 34b) explains that the “he” refers to Calev who went to pray at the Cave of Machpelah, where Avraham, Sarah, Yitzhak, Rivka, Yaakov, and Leah are buried. (There is even a Midrash that says that Adam and Eve are buried there as well, but that’s for a different article!). Another example is based on a combination of Biblical verses that discuss Jacob’s burying Rachel near Bethlehem (Genesis 35:19) and Jeremiah the prophet lamenting that Rachel is crying about the Jews, when they passed by her grave and prayed while being exiled to Babylonia.
It is a very complicated and emotional issue. Judaism does not really allow for praying to the dead, rather we pray to God, with the deceased in mind.
In the Talmud (Ta’anit 16a) there is a discussion about going to the graves of various devout individuals. The entire experience is explained one of two ways: we either go and ask the deceased to intercede for us with God and plead mercy for our misdoings, or we go in order to remind us of our own mortality and that since our time on earth is limited, we should improve our behaviors immediately.
The issue of asking the deceased to intercede on our behalf raises many problems, not the least of which is the violation of the Biblical injunction, found in the Ten Commandments, “Thou shall not have any other gods in My presence.” (Exodus 20:3) By praying to the deceased, we have turned them into a god. It is also in violation of the commandment that says not to consult with the dead. (Deut. 18:10-11). Others feel it is ok to ask the deceased to just “deliver the message” and that we are not praying to them as a god.
Among many Hasidic (ultra-Orthodox) groups, a tent (called an “Ohel”) is often built above these devout individuals’ graves, so people can go there to pray and fully feel the piety of the deceased. Some ultra-Orthodox rabbis oppose the practice in its entirety. There are stories told of the Vilna Gaon – Rabbi Eliyahu of Vilna (in Lithuania) saying that he regretted visiting his mother’s grave (for setting a precedent to others). And Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin (in Poland) left a directive to his students to not visit his grave, and following in this light, Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik (‘the Rav’) didn’t visit family graves until his wife passed away.
Those who make these pilgrimages to the graves of various righteous people, should pray the same way they would pray at the Kotel (Western Wall in Jerusalem), or in a synagogue. That is, the prayers are being said to God, but the place we choose to pray should have an effect on us and on God! If I go into the forest and find it’s easier to talk to God, great. If I go to a grave and find it’s easier to talk to God, great. But we need to understand that the trees in the forest and the person in the ground can’t do anything – it is really between us and God.
Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, a very well respected Torah scholar who lived in Jerusalem, was asked his opinion about going on trips to see and pray at Kever Avot – visiting the graves of the pious. His response was that there is no need to travel anywhere because Jerusalem is filled with thousands of graves of Tzaddikim (righteous ones). He explained that all of the IDF soldiers buried at Har Herzl, Israel’s national military cemetery, are equally as righteous as anyone.
The bottom line is that while there are opinions for and against praying to God at the graves of those who have gone before us, we must remember that the prayers are to God and not to the deceased. As in all things related to Jewish thought and practice, it is best to consult your rabbi for guidance.
Judaism does not really allow for praying to the dead, rather we pray to God, with the deceased in mind.
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