Letters to the Editor
Do you have something to say? We’d love to hear from you. Please send your (brief) letters to the editor to: editor@unorthoboxed.com.
Dear Editor,
I have been happy to see in “Unorthoboxed” an open approach, not always seen in publications for religious women. However, I have concerns about the advice in the May article, “Guard Your Marriage Like You Guard Your Matzas.” [sic]
The author, Ruti Eastman, advocates compromise in marriage. In her example, a husband disregards his wife’s request for a generous supply of the more expensive matzah she preferred. The wife agrees to ration her matzah consumption throughout the week. However, this is not the compromise that Eastman refers to in her introduction! This is only setting the stage.
The husband proceeds to “forget” about their agreement and distribute “her” matzah to the seder guests.
Eastman advises the wife not to be “whiny, manipulative, or mean” while also not being a “doormat,” and to calmly explain how she will ration her matzah consumption even further. “We can use the three pieces of machine-made spelt matzot we have left from the chocolate matzah . . . for the Shabbat meals; and I can take a small piece of the afikomen for that Shabbat and save the rest for Pesach Sheni.” This is Eastman’s recommended compromise.
The husband, who has already restricted his wife’s Passover diet and violated their agreement, is supposed to be wise enough to pick up on this and apologize.
Why should the wife not tell him outright, after the seder, and make a different plan for next year? He could even track down some matzah for her over chol hamoed.
We have no idea whether this is intended to be a typical scenario in the couple’s fictional marriage. It is disturbing that Eastman’s advice is reminiscent of the Christian “Surrendered Wife” philosophy that has attracted a following in the Orthodox community. In a healthy marriage both partners will need to compromise frequently. But when advice is directed only at women, when she is always the one responsible for compromising, finding solutions and smoothing things over, all without being “whiny,” it sounds like the in-the-box, “blame women” thinking that we have been getting all along.