7 Money Questions to Discuss Before Marriage

Sep 1, 2021 | Marriage & Relationships

It is said that money is the number one contributing factor to divorce. Well of course it’s not money per se, it’s disagreements about money, it’s stress about money, and it’s about all the (bad) things that money can bring out in a person.

In the religious Jewish world – even the “modern” Orthodox world – dating and engagement periods, on average, are much shorter than in the secular world. And there’s so much to talk about! Working arrangements, family size expectation, where to live – who has time to talk about money? And after all, it’s uncomfortable.

Considering how important money is in our lives, it’s actually really amazing how awkward talking about it makes us feel. And yet, if money is the number one contributing factor to divorce, doesn’t it make sense that it would top our list of things to talk about before getting married?

If you aren’t sure where to start, here are seven money topics to discuss with your partner before you get married:

  1.       Yours, mine or ours?

This is the biggest and probably the most important question to talk about. The example you received from your own parents is very likely to influence, one direction or another, how you believe the money should be pooled, distributed and managed. Many couples find it easiest to simply have one joint bank account where all the money gets deposited. All bills and savings come off the top and then the rest is distributed (or not). 

While this is the classic model, and works best for couples where income levels are not similar, there are several details that must be included in this discussion to avoid disagreements and feelings of resentment. 

Access – will both partners have equal access to the account, ability to make withdrawals? If not, the other partner should have a separate account where they have access to a certain amount of money for their own use (see discretionary allowances below). Warning: not being permitted to access household funds may be a sign of financial abuse and you should seek help if you are in this situation.

Bills – who will be in charge of actually paying the bills? Nowadays you can put most bills on automatic withdrawal, but there are still bills that will come in that need to be paid. If you don’t decide who will be responsible for that chore, you may find distasteful consequences that result from both partners thinking the other had taken care of it. Being charged fees and penalties are unpleasant, but having your electricity or internet cut off is downright inconvenient.

Discretionary allowances – when you share an account, it’s vitally important to discuss discretionary spending limits. This is best done after a budget has been created, so you know just how much discretionary money there will be after all the bills are paid. Discretionary money should either be withdrawn as cash and given to each partner, deposited into separate individual accounts you each hold, or placed on prepaid credit cards, and should be off-limits to the other partner, both in usage and in judgment. Your discretionary money is yours to use however you want, no questions asked, and the same goes for your partner.

If you are leaving all the funds in one account (not the best choice), then decide on an amount that each partner may spend without consulting the other, and above which there must be agreement. Want to stop and get a sandwich on the way home? That shouldn’t require a discussion. Want to stop and buy a 40-inch plasma screen TV? That’s a major purchase that shouldn’t be made without agreement.

Another model that is often followed, is for each person to have complete and separate control of their money. Bills are paid by figuring out the percentage of total household income each partner brings in and then that is the percentage of the household bills they pay. This can get complicated to pull off smoothly. It should be done based on percentage and not by just totally splitting the bills down the middle as it will result in the partner who earns less having little to no discretionary funds.

It is extremely important that each partner has some amount of discretionary money – especially if you have very little extra. Even a few dollars a month can make a difference in your emotional well-being and in helping to prevent financial strain on the marriage.

  1.       Priorities in giving

Assuming that you are able to adequately meet all your financial needs, tzedakah is something that must be discussed – not just the cost of shul membership and high holiday seats, but how much and to whom other charity funds will be spent. It is advisable to have a separate account for tzedakah

  1.       Long-term savings goals

There are a variety of ways that you can create wealth through savings. These are dependent not only on your personality and style, but on how much money you have to work with and how you feel about certain types of investments.  

  1.       Pregnancy contingency

Maybe you are both working now and can manage the budget you created, but what will you do if you become pregnant? What if you develop a condition where you cannot work during your pregnancy? Having an alternate budget and discussing how you will live if you have only one income is an extremely important conversation. Pregnancy isn’t the only thing that can happen – extended unemployment, sudden 

devastating illness, as well as other unforeseen factors, are always a possibility. Obviously, you can’t plan for everything that could happen, but it’s a good idea to at least discuss how you might handle the situation if it should happen.

  1.   Outside family involvement

Will you collectively be earning enough to meet your needs or will you be dependent on family assistance and how will that affect your relationship with parents? Maybe you both want to do it entirely on your own, maybe one feels that help from parents is natural and should be accepted graciously. Or that it’s only to be accepted on an emergency basis or for big things like a down payment on a home.

  1.   Pre-existing debt

Are you coming into the marriage with debts (college loans, credit card debt) and how will they be paid – from the family account or from your own discretionary fund? 

  1. A financial prenuptial agreement

If one partner has a significantly larger amount of accumulated wealth, you need to discuss a prenuptial agreement. The agreement protects not only the wealthier partner, but can be designed to also protect the other partner. In the agreement you can outline how wealth will be divided in the case of divorce, what provision will be made for the support of the other spouse, as well as any children that may come along. 

Nobody wants to think about divorce before they reach the chuppah, but the current reality warrants this discussion. It helps manage expectations and can prevent a long, drawn out, nasty divorce that will destroy not just the marriage but every member of the family.

Having these conversations before marriage may be awkward, but will really help you see potential problems before they actually happen. You can take the time to work out your disagreements, or discover that there are irreconcilable differences before entering into the most important commitment you will ever make.

If you find this discussion difficult or you come to an impasse on one or more issues, get professional help. A therapist or financial counselor has experience navigating these topics and can help you enter the marriage with one less hurdle to overcome.

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