Dealing With Difficult People

In the course of a lifetime, we will encounter people of all different personality types. There will be people who annoy us, who bring down our moods, cause problems for us, interfere with our progress towards our goals, ruin a conversation or are just generally difficult people to be around. We can meet them in the synagogue, in our schools, in our workplaces, at the gym, at a party or event, at a Shabbat table or anywhere else we encounter other people. Sometimes our encounters with these people involve them saying something insensitive or inappropriate, leaving us feeling upset or uncomfortable. Other times someone may be unkind or even cruel. Unfortunately, not everyone understands social cues and how to interact with others in a pleasant way.  Their actions can affect our mood, energy level, motivation to get things done and our ability to give priority to family relationships. How can we handle this?

It’s important to remember that while we cannot control what someone else says or does, we can control how we react to it. It takes time, patience, practice and perseverance to develop the mindset to prevent the actions of others from ruining our day. 

It can be helpful to recognize that a difficult person may actually be dealing with things  in their own life that are causing them stress and affecting how they interact with others. It does not excuse their actions; however, we can learn to understand that their behavior is not about us, but rather, about their own issues coping with a situation that they find difficult to handle. 

One option for dealing with difficult people is to remove yourself from the situation. 

For example, changing the subject in an awkward conversation or setting boundaries when someone is probing for information you aren’t comfortable sharing. If you are at a Shabbat meal and someone is making you uncomfortable, you could “bentsch” (say grace after meals) silently and leave early. If you are the host, one option would be to end the meal early to avoid more interactions with the person who is making everyone uncomfortable. 

Another helpful technique is to try to put yourself in the other person’s situation. While you cannot ever really know what another person is experiencing in their private lives, you can show empathy towards them, offering kindness in place of exasperation. We each cope with the same challenges differently. Understanding this idea does not change how the other person is behaving, but it can help you get through the encounter more smoothly. 

Anticipating the crazy things that someone might say can also be helpful. A coaching technique called,”creative anticipation” involves practicing how you would respond in a possible situation before it happens. Doing this allows you to better control the direction things go in and to avoid disaster. If you enter the interaction with confidence it helps you to avoid feeling out of control. 

Spending time with people who are supportive to you is also very helpful. This may include talking to a therapist, very close friend or family member, or joining a support group. A therapist once told me that just because someone says something does not mean that it is true. I try to remember this when someone says something that is insulting and irritating to me.