I Married a Chassid!

Written by Laya Pearlman

Marriage has its challenges under the best circumstances, but when you are both from very different backgrounds the challenges may appear to be insurmountable. They’re not – not with a little understanding, kindness, and a big dose of bite-your-tongue.

After my husband of many years passed away, O”H,  I really never saw myself getting married again, but it’s amazing how intense loneliness can change your mind. Being an older ba’alat teshuvah, with a good measure of rebel thrown in for flavor, I thought I knew what I was looking for the second time around. After a lot of introspection, I thought I knew what I wanted.

I am sure my 18-year-old secular, worldly self was more than a bit naïve and did not know anything about what it took to make a good marriage. My list back then looked something like this: 

  • He is tall, dark and handsome!
  • Is a big “lettered” college man
  • Has a lot of money
  • Has a brand new “cool” car
  • Loves Star Trek (the original)
  • He likes taking me out to really nice places (restaurants, amusement parks, shows)
  • Buys me fancy gifts
  • He compliments me
  • He’s my “knight in shining armour”  
  • Gives nice kisses

In retrospect, most of these things are not critical qualities for making a great husband and future father, though a few items would make him more pleasant to be with. But I left off an important element from the list – he needed to be Jewish (although by chance or divine providence he did end up being Jewish).

But this time I was seeing things through very different eyes (or bifocals, as the case may be). With a few extra pounds, greying hair, arthritic bones, flabby belly and a few scattered wrinkles, I needed to do some soul searching with all the thoroughness of the “Bedikat Chametz” on Pesach!

After much tefilot, meditation, and journaling, I knew what type of man I would like as a husband now.  Trusting that HaShem would send the right man to me. Once I had my list, I had to figure out exactly how I needed to be the wife he would want.

 But first, there were questions I had to ask myself: 

Did I need to adjust any rigid thinking or beliefs that I had? How “open” and willing was I to make those adjustments?

Was I really willing to accept the man HaShem had in store for me? Could I come to a meeting without preconceived notions about what to expect? I resolved to look at his soul and not his exterior. I committed to reading his eyes and his heart and his smile.

This time I was looking for a man of good character, a “mensch”. Someone with good middot. 

The only other prerequisite was that he loves HaShem with all his heart, soul, and might and acts upon that commitment. It did not matter at all if he were not tall, dark, or handsome.

This shift in my thinking was a direct reflection of the person I had become. I wanted to be his Eishet Chayil. I wanted to be in a relationship where above all else, we would sing the praises of each other through our avoda and grateful hearts.

We would make the most of whatever time we have left on this earth. Finding joy even in the mundane. Leaving pettiness in our childish past. We would allow each other the freedom and respect to express ourselves openly and honestly, being able to share concerns and emotions and support each other when we’re hurting.

Hoping that he loved and took care of his previous wife and that he was a good and devoted husband and father, he would continue to have good relationships with his children.

We would strive not to make comparisons with our previous spouses. It is destructive.  

We would build each other up to help us become the very best we could be. I want to make him feel special and cared for. I want to be able to respect him. I want to help him to be the man HaShem has designed and destined him to be. 

And I would like the same in return.

I have to say that I was shocked to find everything I was looking for – not in a pair of 

Dockers and a polo shirt, but a bekishe and a shtreimel!  Yup, I’m intermarried – to a “black and white“ Chassid of all things.

So how did we make it work?

  1. Believing that HaShem is in charge.
  2. Having a great sense of humor!
  3. A heck of a lot of love and patience.
  4. Mutually agreeing that we would not try to change the other.
  5. Never compare our new with our previous spouse.
  6. Leave the past where it belongs.
  7. We agreed to be flexible where halacha allowed.
  8. We listened to what was important to the other.
  9. We committed to learning the art of negotiating compromise for Shalom Bayis.
  10. We agreed to disagree as civilly as possible (and resolve the matter lovingly).
  11. We learned (with a big curve) to ignore (within reason) negative habits that really annoy us (see #4).
  12. We forgive each other and ask for forgiveness.
  13. We do not bash each other’s Community.
  14. We share what’s in our hearts and listen to the other respectfully.
  15. Keep an open mind to learning something new.
  16. Ask for help to understand a particular issue.
  17. Let the other win sometimes and then we both do. Don’t keep score.
  18. We do not replace the biological parents of our step kids, but rather act as if we are “like a parent” to them, with their permission. We care about all of them.

But above all, we make sure to celebrate life every day as the special gift it is.

It’s not been easy, but the work is definitely worth it. Sometimes you find love where you least expect it.  

But above all, we make sure to celebrate life every day as the special gift it is.

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