Sex and Pleasure – are Orthodox couples getting the short end of the stick?

Sep 1, 2021 | Marriage & Relationships, Sexuality & Gender

Written by Danina Avery, CD, CLC, CBE

Sex and pleasure are two very different concepts. Most married couples engage in sex, but they do not all experience pleasure. Since Judaism regards sex as a sacred act, how we treat the topic is governed very strictly by the laws of modesty. And in order to preserve its holy and private nature, it’s just not something we speak about. As a result, some couples are suffering behind closed doors, feeling like they have no one to talk to about difficulties they may be having. The fact that the topic is never openly discussed may also contribute to feelings that they are alone in these difficulties, and they are unaware that there may be help available to them.

Often Rabbis or kallah teachers are consulted since they are considered authorities on this topic. But Rabbis and Kallah teachers, as informed as they are, are not medical professionals and may not have access to all the possible solutions, since the issues are often medical in nature.

On top of this, the potential for embarrassment may lead couples to be less than forthcoming with all the necessary details. So what can we do?

The most important thing is that couples need to understand that they are not alone. Many couples experience difficulties in the bedroom, and there are ways of remedying them, whether they are physiological or psychological in nature.

According to PleasureBetter.com, a company that was created by a husband and wife who were raised in “sexually conservative cultures”, only 18.4% of women experience orgasms from vaginal sex alone (meaning from penetration into the vagina and no other ways). There are so many other statistics, but just knowing that such a small percentage of women around the world exist (regardless of religion, culture, or country of origin) who have experienced such an orgasm should help dispel the myth that we are somehow abnormal when we don’t. It’s important for women to understand that not experiencing vaginal orgasm from vaginal sex is not their fault. Some more interesting statistics – “95% of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during partnered sexual activity, compared to just 65% of heterosexual women.” And in addition to that, “Women take an average of 14 minutes during partnered sex to orgasm,” which can seem like a very long time.

With all that in mind, let’s have a look at a few common issues that couples may face in their sexual relationships and some possible solutions.

When sex is too painful:

This topic has come up quite a bit in the last couple of years, especially after the Unorthodox series came out. In the show, the main actress gets married and is equally excited and nervous for her first night with her husband. As they initiate sex (let’s not talk about how inaccurate its depiction of sex in a religious home is), she is in so much pain that they have to stop. They try on and off again for months with no success. 

This phenomenon is called vaginismus and it is the most common cause of pain during sex. Vaginismus is “the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration” according to nhs.uk. Other reasons for pain during sex (called dyspareunia) could be due to a tight/intact hymen, an infection of either the vagina or the uterus, incompatible sizes of genitalia, low amounts of lubrication, lack of arousal, allergy to semen, irritation, a weak/too tight pelvic floor, endometriosis, or fibroids. Some of these issues can be solved with quick fixes like lube, position changes, more foreplay, or changing the lubricant or spermicide you are using to one with ingredients you aren’t sensitive to. For more complex issues, professional help should be sought from a medical provider like a pelvic floor therapist, a midwife, or an OBGYN. 

It is important to note that not all providers are the same, and some are more helpful than  others.   If   you   leave   an  appointment  feeling 

unheard or dismissed, don’t give up. As frustrating as it may be, it is crucial to keep searching for a provider who will help you achieve positive results. Sex is meant to be pleasurable, and pain makes that almost impossible. 

When you are newly married:

Even with the most comprehensive kallah teacher and extensive preparation, sometimes sex just does not go as expected, especially in the beginning. There are many reasons for this, including nerves, and fear of the unknown. No amount of reading books (even ones with pictures) can adequately prepare you for the real-life experience. And it cannot be said enough times, this is completely normal. Oftentimes, it just takes practice, and a little bit of courage to explore. And just like riding a bike, the more you practice, the better you’ll get. The most important thing is that both partners communicate about what feels good and what doesn’t.  Don’t be afraid to try new positions – the one you’re using might be causing issues, and in spite of what you may have heard, there’s no one right “way” to have sex. 

The importance of mindset should not be discounted. If you are experiencing difficulties, try to get into a positive mindset before sex – going out on a date, drinking a glass of wine or cuddling and snuggling can make things a little smoother. And don’t forget foreplay, it may not seem all that important, but it provides signals to the brain that create expectation and desire. One piece of advice, though, if you are having a restaurant date night before heading into the bedroom – sometimes being overfilled can cause us to feel sluggish and bloated, lowering libido. If you find that this is the case for you, consider eating lightly on date night. 

When you have different levels of libido:

This is much more common than you might realize. Although it’s typically men who tend to have a stronger libido than their wives, the opposite can also be true. It can be very frustrating when your spouse is asking over and over to be intimate with you, but you just aren’t feeling it. A low libido does not necessarily indicate a problem with the relationship. There are many other possibilities for not being “in the mood.” 

Some common reasons why women may have lower libido: 

  1. They’re feeling ‘touched out’

When we have little kids climbing over us all day, and our brains are going in twelve different directions trying to remember the grocery list, make dinner, pack the diaper bag, wash the towels, and a million other tasks we are in charge of when we are running a home (this is called the mental workload), it’s not so easy to take off our mommy hat and our home-maker hat and put on our infatuated-with-your-husband hat. It’s not impossible, but it can be very hard to do. 

This is where self-care comes in. Mothers tend to not prioritize self-care. But we live in such a busy world that it’s now impossible to get through your day without it. The wonderful thing about self-care is that it doesn’t fit in one box. Self-care can be five minutes of meditation, one hour getting a manicure, talking to Hashem while you go out on a 15-minute walk around the block, or 

even 45 minutes reading a book in the bath. You need to think about what helps you feel recharged and set time aside to do it. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so the more you look after yourself, the more bandwidth you’ll have for managing the different aspects of your life. 

  1. Hormones 

Another common reason for low libido is hormones. Sometimes this is because of an imbalance or because of the stage of life we’re going through. PCOS or a thyroid issue can mess with your libido because they can cause an overproduction of estrogen and testosterone and this does not allow ovulation. Ovulation is when we tend to feel the most attracted to our partners. It also usually happens to coincide with mikvah night! But if we have hormonal imbalances, we may not be ovulating at all, or may be ovulating significantly before or after mikvah night, making the timing difficult and ruining the mood.

  1. Birth Control

Another thing that can depress your libido is hormonal birth control. Hormonal birth control, like the plastic IUD or the pill, stops you from ovulating – that’s how it prevents you from getting pregnant. For many women, this never causes issues. But if you already have a low libido, the lack of ovulation can destroy intimacy with your partner. 

  1. Breastfeeding

As for breastfeeding, obviously, there’s only so much we can really do about that. Breast milk is the perfect food for our babies; it also happens to be a natural form of birth control for most women. When we are breastfeeding, our progesterone and estrogen levels remain low, in order to make sure our prolactin levels remain high, because without this hormone, we wouldn’t have milk for our babies. But there are downsides to having low estrogen and progesterone. Namely,  low libido and vaginal dryness – not exactly a great combination for someone who wants to feel that pull towards their spouse. But as mentioned before, some of our sexual desire is directly connected to our brain, so there are creative ways we can “get ourselves in the mood,” for example, by sending our spouse text messages or leaving notes for them throughout the day. As we think of ways to tell our spouse we love and desire them, it can trigger a release of hormones that will increase our libido, even if just a little bit (and in this case, every little bit counts!).

Learning about your cycle and how it changes every month can help you unlock your physical and hormonal potentials and help mitigate the frustration they can cause. 

Everyone struggles, no marriage is perfect. Some of us struggle with money, some with raising children, and some with sex in our marriage. It’s actually more common than you might think. However, many of these struggles can be made less difficult by having the conversation. Silence never fixed anything. Educate yourself and get support. There are incredible sex therapists (yes, even orthodox Jewish women!) out there who understand the nuances of our bedroom lives and our religion. Above all else, get the help you need, because sex shouldn’t be difficult or painful.

The most important thing is that couples need to understand that they are not alone

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