Ask the Rabba – October
We are so excited to welcome Rabba Melissa Scholten-Gutierrez to the UNORTHOBOXED team. Each month Rabba Melissa will answer questions from our readers. If you have a question you can email us at questions@unorthoboxed.com.
Before Rabba Melissa answers the readers’ questions, though, we thought it might be fun to get to know her a little bit, so we asked her a few questions about herself.
Q: Are you Orthodox?
A: Yup!
Q: What inspired you to pursue smicha?
A: Honestly, I fell in love with learning Torah inside for the first time as a thirty-year-old Jewish communal professional and cried listening to a podcast interview of three Maharat students from the initial classes speaking about their journeys, feeling like they were speaking to my soul while walking to the beit midrash. I knew in that moment where I needed to be next, even without knowing what having smicha would mean to my life as someone who had (and has) no interest in working in a traditional shul setting. My soul needed smicha.
Q: Why did you choose “Rabba” as your title?
A: For many women choosing a title is hard, but for me it was easy. I work in communal spaces so I wanted to be sure it was easily accessible, but also I wanted to honor the unique reality of being an Orthodox woman – Rabba was the obvious answer.
Q: Tell us a little about yourself (family, what you enjoy doing, etc.)
A: I live in Atlanta, Georgia with my husband, two young kids, and father, where I am the Director of Family Education and Engagement for the Jewish Federation of Greater Atlanta. Additionally, I have the amazing honor of being on the board of both the local community mikvah and our Jewish women’s fund. I love to spend time with my family outdoors ten months of the year, and read mindless novels as escapism.
Question #1:
My adult daughter has started sewing her own clothes. It is our custom to say shehecheyanu on new clothes. Some of the clothes she makes are made from material that has been given to her, like old tablecloths, or bedsheets, some of it is old clothes that she has taken apart and created something new from (for example she took a skirt that she no longer wore apart and created a shirt out of it), and some of it she makes from materials she buys. Does she say shehecheyanu
on any of these things, if so when?
1. When she had created clothes out of material she was given for free?
2. When she creates something new out of something that she or someone else said shehechiyanu on when it was new? (If the old clothes were owned by a Jew who did not say shehecheyanu on them when they were new, does that change the answer to this question?)
3. When she buys material to sew new clothes, does she say shehecheyanu on the material when she buys it or the clothes when they are finished?
Answer #1:
Thank you for this question which gave me a chance to do a deep dive and a lot of thinking about the real meaning behind saying shehecheyanu. I’m now rethinking a lot of the contemporary wisdom on what the meaningful moments are for the bracha, but that is not the point of this answer!
As a reminder, the bracha was instituted as a way to express gratitude for uncommon or periodical experiences/purchases, including holidays and their observed mitzvot, new fruits in their season, significant purchases, and even exciting news. Stemming from this, the only clothing which a bracha would be said over would be that which is new to the wearer (even if not inherently new), of value, and bringing pleasure – all things which are extremely subjective!
So in each case you mentioned above, I’d suggest that if, after having sewn a new item of clothing, it is now a new item of value which brings your daughter joy – she should feel invited to say shehecheyanu on it. (She would not say it before it is completed, just as one does not say it upon a house purchase if it is not move-in-ready yet.) Titchadshi!
Question #2:
In last month’s issue, Unorthoboxed introduced us to a transgender woman. As a woman, are there any halachic prohibitions against hugging a transgender woman? What if she is still physically a male? Does that make a difference?
Answer #2:
Transwomen are women. Full stop.
And halacha is still catching up to that, which makes halachic questions vis-à-vis transgender people writ large a very difficult thing to answer. Additionally, depending upon the relationship between the individuals and the types of hugs in question, there may be different considerations for the answer. As such, this question should be discussed one-on-one with a sensitive and responsible posek/et. (And any posek/et who begins by discounting the first sentence in my response is not the person with whom to have this conversation.)
That said, I want to make a few additional pastoral notes. Unless a transgendered person shares their medical transition with you explicitly, it is never your place to ask or surmise about it. This is a deeply personal, emotional, expensive, and often very fraught journey. It is their choice about who they invite into it and when, and also to revoke that privilege at any moment. However, it is important to use their correct name and pronouns from the moment that you learn of them and to be loving and welcoming of them as they move through this process.
Question #3:
Recently I have been meeting a lot of women who consider themselves Orthodox but don’t cover their heads. I thought that was a halachic requirement. But then I started hearing stories about the wives of great ravs who didn’t cover their heads. I am confused. Is it halacha or isn’t it?
Answer #3:
It is. And it isn’t. Now you’re not confused at all – right?
The short version of the very long answer is that head covering is halacha, although the ways in which that can play out are extremely varied. And because of the way in which we learn about head covering as a halacha there is also a lot of room to be lenient. So just because someone doesn’t cover their hair, doesn’t mean they aren’t Orthodox or they aren’t observant of halacha. Everyone is on their own journey through this complex life. (Also, with the increasingly stellar quality of sheitels, none of us should be quick to assume anyone isn’t covering!)
If you are interested in a longer and more source-based discussion than I can provide in this fabulous but limited space, I’m happy to point you to a few – feel free to reach out.
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