Educating Women for Abuse

Oct 1, 2021 | Call for Change, Education & Learning, Jewish thought and practice

Written by Adara Yael Peskin-Shalem

When I was growing up (not that long ago, I’m only in my early 30s) divorce was practically unheard of in my circles. It was scandalous. There were two families I can think of in my community where the parents were divorced, and, to be honest, everyone felt bad for them and looked at their kids as odd and different. Divorce just wasn’t done.

By the time I graduated high school, more and more of my peers’ parents divorced, including my own, but it was predominantly people with grown children, most having already left the nest. 

Today, in the religious community, divorce isn’t rare at all anymore. Unfortunately, though, our society still has a long way to go when it comes to this topic. There are so many issues that divorced women in the religious community face. But even before it gets to the stage of divorce, girls and women are educated in a way that contributes to what amounts to a systemic abuse of women. We are taught to accept unhealthy marriages as normal, and even think that they are the ideal. We are conditioned to believe that divorce is unacceptable, and communal norms essentially withhold divorce as a viable option even when it is imperative for the unhealthy marriage to end. 

This indoctrination starts at a young age in Jewish day schools and culminates with the intense pre-marriage classes given by many seminaries and other post high school programs. However, it doesn’t stop after marriage, as it is a common theme as well in many ‘Shalom Bayit’ classes. 

I was in an unhealthy marriage for years, but I didn’t realize how unhealthy it was, nor did I get support for my situation, because of the messaging given to me, both by my schooling and society at large. It’s not that certain foundational principles in Judaism need to be done away with, but they need to stop being used as tools for the proliferation of this very dangerous paradigm.

 

Lashon Hara 

Lashon hara, the principle of not speaking negatively, is very important in Jewish thought. Directly commanded in the Torah, it carries a lot of weight, and for good reason. However, in the context of a dysfunctional marriage, its missapplication can do untold harm. For example, how can I know if something is a problem in marriage if I’m not allowed to talk

about the goings-on in my life because it is considered negative speech about my husband? There are stipulations when it comes to the laws of lashon hara, which include that one is allowed to speak lashon hara “litoelet”, with a purpose. But because we get it so ingrained in us that speaking negatively about someone is one of the biggest sins out there, we often feel guilty and unable to overcome that internal barrier. Even when one understands that she may talk about her marriage, that it is essential to get advice, and it is certainly “toelet”, it can be hard to find someone that is actually willing to listen because of the admonition against even listening to lashon hara. 

Modesty

In the religious community, girls and women are bombarded with constant messaging about tzniut (modesty), and we are admonished that it is one of the most important mitzvot for women, equivalent in importance to men’s mitzva of learning Torah. While much can be said on the topic of the over-emphasis of modesty in dress within the religious community and what damage it causes women, that is only one side of this obsession with modesty in our education. Tzniut is not only in how one dresses, but also in how one conducts their life. We are told to be private and keep things to ourselves, because it is immodest to let people into the inner sanctum of our lives. This, they tell us, is imperative regarding our marriage, as what goes on between husband and wife is sacrosanct and private, no one else’s business. It is made very clear that it is absolutely forbidden to share anything about your bedroom life with anyone.

As the religious community teaches people to be abstinent before marriage, for many women this is their first encounter actually touching a man, let alone being sexually intimate with someone. We’re also supposed to stay away from secular media, especially things having to do with sex, so many women are woefully ignorant of what a normal, healthy sex life is. Because of this, many women deal with sexual abuse in their marriage, causing them emotional damage, but they aren’t even aware that this isn’t what is intended when

they are taught about the holy union in the bedroom that brings God’s shchina (presence) via the act. They talk about their bedroom life with no one, as this is definitely not modest, so they have no way of knowing that what they are going through is sexual abuse and often marital rape. Even if the situation isn’t to that extreme, women often don’t know that things should be different and what is going on isn’t healthy. 

 

 Submission

Young women are also taught, “Eizo hi Isha kishera, ha’osa ritzon baala.” Who is a kosher woman? The one who does the desire of her ‘master’, meaning her husband. A woman is a proper wife via submitting herself to her husband’s will and desires. Yes, we were also taught that if your husband tells you to abrogate the Torah then you don’t, because a kosher woman listens to the real master, God, if what your husband wants and what God wants conflict. But if you don’t know anything about what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like, you have no reason to believe that your situation relieves you of what you are taught is the responsibility to submit to your husband, especially when you are taught that in order to be a proper woman according to the Torah, you need to put everyone else’s needs and desires ahead of your own. 

With all these messages, received from a young age, we are setting women up to turn the other cheek to abuse, dysfunction and manipulation because they think that this is what Judaism and God expect from them. If and when they are concerned and want to check if what is going on in their marriage is ok or problematic, we silence them and preclude them from availing themselves of this imperative information. 

The religious community needs improvement in how it treats divorced women, but the first step, the groundwork that needs to be done before anything else, is to stop giving messages to our impressionable children that enable abuse in marriage and become, as Rabbi Abraham J. Twersky named his book, “The Shame Borne in Silence.” 

With all these messages, received from a young age, we are setting women up to turn the other cheek to abuse, dysfunction and manipulation because they think that this is what Judaism and God expect from them.

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