Lives Upended: When Lashon Hara is Necessary

Proverbs 18:21 tells us, “Death and life are in the hand of the tongue.” As such, it makes sense that the laws of shmirat halashon, guarding of the tongue, be emphasized as they have been in the last century, thanks in large part to Rabbi Israel Meir Kagan, the Chafetz Chaim. Many thousands of people have committed to learning these laws, yet it seems we still have a long way to go in truly understanding the application of the laws. Knowing the laws of slander and falsehood includes knowing when otherwise harmful words are necessary to be spoken. In fact, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin, in his English adaptation of Guard Your Tongue (Chapters 9 and 10), makes it clear that for marriage purposes, rechilus (gossip), is often an obligatory form of speech, to protect someone from harm. 

Shortly after my ex-husband’s arrest, my mentor, who called references on my behalf before I met potential matches when I was dating, reached out to a local rebbetzin with whom she had spoken before I met Ben Sonamovitch*. The rebbetzin in question had refused to give too much information about the family nor specifics about the boy, only that she knew them and they were, overall, a good family. The rebbetzin acknowledged, six years later, that there had been some things that didn’t seem right with the family and that the mother had seemed untrustworthy to her. 

I was floored – why wasn’t this revealed then? Now, I had three children and a husband in jail, accused of crimes that classify him as a completely evil person! When confronted, this rebbetzin acknowledged that she was unsure how much to reveal of what she knew about the family in question so she stuck with the bare minimum. She never apologized. 

Do I blame her? No. Should I? To be honest, probably.

I am upset with the current way in which the laws of Lashon Hara (derogatory speech) are taught, preventing serious defects, like various forms of addiction, from being revealed. Such revelations wouldn’t necessarily stop couples from marrying, but could prevent a lifetime of heartache, or at the very least prepare a couple to acknowledge the difficulties that might be 

ahead of them should they decide to marry, in spite of those challenges. People deserve to know exactly what type of issues they may face with their future spouse. Of course, new things can always develop later on in the relationship. However, people should be given the ability to choose for themselves, whether this is something with which they want to live. I was robbed of this chance when the truth was withheld from me in the name of “lashon hara”.

As more details of Ben’s history came out, it became clear that his mother and father hoped that by marrying him off quickly his issues would resolve with his marriage. If he was married, his sexual desires would be channeled correctly, the logic went, and he would no longer be tempted to seek out forbidden pleasures. 

I later learned that one time his father walked in on his son committing his preferred abuse against a family member. While he was reprimanded by his family, no real consequences were set. His mother acknowledged to a third party that she knowingly turned a blind eye following that event. How, I still wonder, could the boy’s rabbis not be aware? Most likely they were, but they likewise saw his future marriage as a salve for his problems. 

The previous explanations of his various journeys through multiple yeshivot in high school suddenly made sense, as Ben’s true self was revealed. Over our engagement and sheva brachot (wedding week), the rabbis who know Ben spoke praises of his ability to help out after prayer services. Yet they ignored the struggles he faced when it came to his sexual drive, as many do within the most observant communities. I now understand why my ex-husband would berate the customs of various sects for their extreme division of the sexes and why he would continuously ask me what type of sexual experience I had prior to becoming religious (hint: none). 

While Ben dressed as a religious man, with long sidelocks, a long black coat, and a black hat, underneath his external appearance lay a man with a serious sexual perversion. He used his pious exterior to cultivate victims beneath the noses of those who trusted him. Unfortunately,