Trapped with Nowhere to Go

One time I spoke to a friend of mine, telling her that I was getting divorced. She let me in on a secret and told me that she had been in such a situation before. Her husband was doing things that were scary and threatening to the point that she went to the police and was about to file for divorce. However, she let me know, she went to an amazing marriage class that teaches how women can turn around a bad marriage, and it took a lot of hard work on herself, but now her marriage is a good one. I questioned her about it, and she said that even in a case such as hers, a woman can entirely fix a bad marriage, without her husband needing to do anything. It just is hard. This is patently untrue. You cannot stop someone abusing you by “working on yourself”. The hard work these women are being taught to do is to nullify their thoughts, feelings, and desires and just go along with all the abusive and unhealthy behavior and make their peace with it. 

Quite a few people in my social circles are fans of the Surrendered Wife series, which carries similar messaging. There are classes and workshops for women given by Jewish religious figures on this topic. The goal of these is to teach women that the way to a happy marriage is to surrender to their husbands. To not stand up to their husbands when they are hurt by them. To not ask them for any help. To hand over all control of important decisions, especially money, to the husband. To abandon the myth of them being equal to their husbands. To never disagree with them, correct them, or share their opinion, but just say “Whatever you say.” Not defending their kids when he is mistreating them. That they should always say yes to sex (even if they don’t want to). This messaging is quite unhealthy in general, but in the case of an abusive marriage, or with a controlling husband, this sets up women for even more issues, and teaches them that the abuse is what a healthy marriage looks like. The author herself says that her suggestions are not meant to be used in abusive relationships. However, so many people are in denial about their relationship being abusive, and these books and lessons can be especially dangerous then. When I heard that a friend of mine is literally learning this book ‘b’chavruta’ with a friend (what learning religious text with a partner is called) I just couldn’t keep myself quiet any longer. This problematic book has become venerated so much by the religious community that people are treating it as a religious manual and essentially considering it another book of the Torah. 

Equally concerning is the proliferation of The Work in the religious world. This method, developed by Byron Katie, is extremely problematic, not to mention quite dangerous. The Work is meant to teach you to shift your perspective, to realize that your thoughts are what make you unhappy, and what you think is actually the opposite of reality and that your thoughts become your reality. When you say, for example, “My husband mistreats me”, because that thought is making you unhappy you are supposed to turn it around (called “The Turnaround”) and say and accept that “I mistreat my husband” and then tell yourself a bunch of examples to prove to yourself how that is the actual truth. And once you work to accept that you are the one being problematic, not him, you will realize that, yes, it is you that needs to work on your behavior, not him, and it will make your life better. The whole concept is one of gaslighting yourself, manipulating someone to question their knowledge of reality, and hence, their sanity, and being told that doing so will make their life better. 

Defenders of The Work will come out and say that that is not what the book is about, and that it is a healthy way to change your perspective. But in videos available on the internet of Byron Katie doing The Work in person, she shows as clear as day what type of gaslighting she does. In one video, for example, there is a man with cancer, who says he doesn’t want the cancer to keep growing. Byron asks him to turn it around; the man, mystified, asks her if the correct answer is “I don’t want the cancer to stop growing”. “Yes,” she says, and that is a good thing. “Give me an example of why that is a good thing,” she tells

him. She pushes him again and again to give reasons why he wants the cancer to keep growing. If this is what someone with something as tangible and non-debatable as cancer is expected to do and accept, you can imagine what harm this can do to someone who is experiencing abuse. She’ll blame herself and gaslight herself, something her abuser is likely already doing, and not get out of it or even make things better. For this reason and many more, lots of professionals, such as therapists who work with abuse victims, have said that this is extremely dangerous and problematic. 

Rabbis, Mentors, and Community Leaders 

In the religious community, many people turn to rabbis and mentors for advice and answers to big life questions. Unfortunately, while some rabbis are helpful in such instances, in many other situations they are extremely problematic. I cannot speak for every rabbi, so I will just talk about cases about which I am aware. 

Some rabbis, unfortunately, are abusive spouses themselves. My friend, who I mentioned above, who was in a marriage with a scary and dangerous man but ‘worked on herself to make it a happy marriage’ is, in fact, married to a community rabbi. People come to him to get advice on things such as marriage issues, as well as other things. One can just imagine how problematic it is for an abuser to give marriage advice. 

There are then rabbis who, sadly, both perpetuate toxic masculinity views and are abuse apologists. I know someone who was invited for a talk with a community rabbi when he found out that she initiated the divorce proceedings. He wanted to see if he could make peace between the spouses. When he asked the wife what the issues were in her marriage, she listed some very problematic behaviors on her husband’s part, to which the rabbi responded that all men are like that, and it’s normal male behavior. Fortunately, this woman didn’t accept that answer and still left her husband, but the fact that rabbis such as these try to convince women that their unhealthy marriage is something that they should preserve, and bad behavior is in fact normal, is very problematic. 

In general, the accepted approach is to try to convince people on the brink of divorce that they should stay married. Quotes from the Torah are often cited, for example saying that the mizbeach (altar) cries when a couple divorces, conveniently leaving out that gittin, divorce, is actually a mitzva. I know of cases (yes, more than one) where husbands literally tried to kill their wives (corroborated by the courts) and yet their rabbis tried to convince the wives to go back to their husbands and work on their marriages. For example, the rabbis wanted to know what preceded the attempted murder, because perhaps her actions were the cause of his behavior, and if she works on herself then he wouldn’t attempt again. Therefore, with work on her part, she can and should save the marriage. Too often, rabbis also accept the story of abusers such as these, claiming that the wife is really the “crazy” one, and in addition to trying to get her to take the blame and change her behavior, they ostracize her in the community if she does deign to leave. 

Divorce Support Groups

When women are in the process of deciding if they should divorce, often they are trying to figure out if their marriage is bad enough that they need to end it. If they do want to leave, they might be scared of the financial or social repercussions or are unsure of what steps to take and how to go about it. Support groups are great resources for such women, especially because this isn’t the type of thing they can talk about with their friends, given the admonitions we receive regarding not sharing about such matters because of the privacy and sanctity of our marriages and the lashon hara rules. However, many rabbis have instructed administrators of such groups to only accept women once they are divorced, or at most, have started the process via the courts. They say that they don’t want to be encouraging women to get