I LOVE SHABBAT BUT I HATE FRIDAYS!

Dec 1, 2021 | Jewish thought and practice

10 tips to stop operating in crisis mode and be ready for Shabbat early, cool, calm and collected with lots of time to spare!

Fridays used to be a total balagan—an out-of-control frenzy to beat the clock. Last minute this or that, get the challah done, make another dish, an extra load of laundry, one of the kids spilled something or other, get the table set, baths and showers, mop the floors. So on and so forth! You get the picture. It’s a seemingly endless list of things to get done at literally the last minute. 

When we reached the hair pulling and screaming stage we knew we were really out of control and needed to ditch this last-minute, breathless, anxious, down-to-the-wire stress and near-tears panic Erev Shabbat madness! 

We desperately needed to make  changes in our home. At the time my late husband and I lived with our daughter and her family, and the chaos was more than I could manage.  One Thursday night as I felt what could have been described as the beginnings of a panic attack, I casually mentioned to my daughter, “I love Shabbat, but I really hate Fridays.” Well, my daughter, knowing that it didn’t have to be that way, thought back to a time several years before when she had another family living with her and had adjusted their schedule so that nearly all the Shabbat preparations were done earlier in the week and Friday was significantly less stressful.

Looking for support in how to make this happen, she stumbled across an online group run by Azriela Jaffe (aka “The Chatzos Lady”). The group was full of women who were learning to transform their Erev Shabbat chaos into a warm, relaxed, calm and totally done by chatzot—(halachic mid-day; as early as 11:45 a.m. in winter and as late as 1 p.m. in summer) Erev Shabbat.

Using Azriela’s guidelines and adapting our own creative ideas, we formulated a plan that worked for us. There are no “rules”, only suggestions. The main thing is to keep in mind the desired end result. 

1. Admit that you are powerless over the time-space continuum.

2. Believe that you have the power and control (with Hashem’s help) to master the chaos.

3. Think about and then write the story of how you would love to live your Erev Shabbat and Shabbat (yes, it’s important to write it down).

4. Make a plan for the whole week to put on a calendar, (swapping is allowed) example: first things first – what are absolutes that cannot be changed, such as appointments, commitments, work in and outside the home,  next – add what is  flexible: your meal plan for the week, grocery and other shopping lists. 

5. ORGANIZE, PRIORITIZE

Get a notebook, write it down. What is THE most urgent? The overall most important thing is that you are completely ready for Shabbat, preferably by chatzot. What absolutely must be done? (dishes, laundry…) Create a separate, blank calendar — weekly or monthly — whatever works for you, where you can keep track of tasks that you assign to yourself and/or others, but go easy on yourself, not everything must be done daily, weekly or even monthly. Flexibility is key for sanity. If you have a large family, not everyone needs a bath or shower on the same day. 

6. Make your shopping list after you make the menu.

7. Do at least one thing “Lichvod Shabbat” every day of the week. This is especially important if you have very limited time. Creating the menu is a big piece of gaining control. Shop for the ingredients in your dishes. Prepare your candles, sweep floor, mop, do laundry, prep food ingredients as much as possible ahead of time (assemble and cook later especially if you have a “must be freshly made on Friday” family. Believe me, most things will taste the same if made ahead). If you must have your own freshly made challah on Friday, then be sure that all your other cooking is completed by Thursday.

8. Shop no later than Wednesday, preferably on Tuesday.

9. Make a separate checklist for what needs to be done Erev Shabbat (not everything needs to be done by you unless you live alone).

 

 

E.g. Set timers, turn off light in the fridge, oven, etc., turn on Shabbat lamps, fill water urn, set up plata, prepare candles, set table, chill wine, if you have little ones romping around the house – feed them early, chill you!

10. Do one thing for next Shabbat on Motzei Shabbat of the current week  

There are no set ways of doing things for everyone. These are general suggestions for what worked for us over the past 12 years. Situations change, the household dynamics change. The key is flexibility. Otherwise it is nearly impossible to stay in control. 

Consider all the aspects of the way Erev Shabbat is now. What leaves you stressed out and going crazy right down to the wire? Think about why this is, what can change and how. 

I used to do everything on Friday. Queen of Procrastination! I was never ready for candle lighting time, let alone chatzot – always into the “18 minutes” (shkia). I thought everything needed to be perfect and I could not live up to the perfection I wanted. Here’s a secret: It does not need to be perfect but it does need to be done with warmth and kavod Shabbat. 

This starts with a mindset of love and kedusha (holiness). This combination makes for easier work because every mundane action we take becomes infused with a spiritual purpose. Not only is Shabbat elevated, but we, ourselves are. I believe that Hashem would prefer us to be calm and focused at candle lighting time than hurried and distracted. 

Try it out for a week or two or three. Once you get used to the changes, you get a rhythm going and it gets easier and easier. The children even start asking to help, they respond well to the new calm, too. It’s a great learning experience for everyone. Lichvod Shabbat!

I’ll be happy to address any questions or comments related to this topic. Please send an email to miryam@unorthoboxed.com 

When we reached the hair pulling and screaming stage we knew we were really out of control and needed to ditch this last-minute, breathless, anxious, down-to-the-wire stress and near-tears panic Erev Shabbat madness! 

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