Life in Small Jewish Communities – Balancing Judaism in a Secular World

Dec 1, 2021 | Jewish in a non-Jewish World, Jewish thought and practice

Written by Hannah Heller

There is music in the air. Colorful decorations and streamers in green and red, gold and white adorn the shopping areas, schools and businesses. Festive music plays in the stores and on the radio. There is such an exciting mood in the air in November and December. Oh, wait. There is that nagging sense that this is not for me. I cannot partake in the festivities, as the holiday of Christmas is the antithesis of what Jews believe. My mother would jokingly refer to this as “The Big Yom Tov.” My family are leaders in the Jewish community and my father is an Orthodox rabbi in a place where no one else, or perhaps very few people, keeps any semblance of kashrut and Shabbat. I am in a public school and the holiday mood is all around me. How do I balance this and make peace with the feeling that life is so unfair to me?

This was life for me in the 1960s and the 1970s. Fast forward to the 1990s when my late husband and I along with our kids were fortunate to live in the vibrant Jewish communities of Highland Park, NJ and in Baltimore, MD, where I still live today. I am no longer the odd one out in town. So many people in my age group are engaged in living a meaningful Jewish life. It isn’t just a token Chanukah menorah and model Seder in Hebrew School. There are young people observing Shabbat and holidays, studying Torah and davening together with lively songs and energy. Shabbat afternoons do not have to be times of loneliness anymore. There are kosher restaurants (although limited) and when you talk about Jewish holidays and observances, most of the non-Jewish world understands what you mean.

How did I survive those childhood and young adult years? There were many awkward moments. During a year when Pesach did not coincide with spring break and I had matzoh in my lunch at school, some of my friends noted that this was what they had for communion. It was awkward and it really didn’t work for me to wash and bentch (say Grace After Meals) during lunch at school on a regular basis. I had to miss birthday parties and other events that were on Shabbat. I couldn’t try out for the school plays because the performances were often on Shabbat. Being part of the school choir meant not participating in the Christmas performance and limiting myself to only the spring one. I had to miss a class picnic in third grade as it coincided with Shavuot. In fifth grade, I remember a day that it was my turn to present my report for Social Studies. The teacher decided at the last minute to do something else and have me present the next day. I did not find the voice

within me to tell her that I was going to be absent for the next two days for Yom Tov. I often had to miss important class lessons and tests and my parents had to explain to the teachers and school administrators that we were not inventing holidays. We had a lot more holidays than Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, something that was unfamiliar to many of them.

The key to surviving the holidays as a Jew in a non-Jewish world is something I had to learn in my early years – the importance of looking within for our pride in Jewish observance. Can we observe our religion with joy even at times when we feel left out? Even when we live in a vibrant Jewish community, many of us still have to interact with the secular world at work, in college or graduate school, at stores, in doctors’ offices and other venues. It is essential that we find peace within ourselves and embrace the idea that we can get along well with those whose life practices are different from ours. 

We may be missing out on activities and work opportunities that take place on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Yet, we have something very special – an opportunity to turn off all the technology and focus on our families and community friends. Without cell phones and computers, we are able to really enjoy board games, books, taking a walk, and focus on the people in front of us. I fondly remember the fun I had playing with dolls, toys and games as a child and spending quality time with my family. We have so many holidays of our own in which we fully engage in so many traditions. Judaism is rich with so many meaningful customs. While Chanukah is a minor holiday, its proximity to Christmas makes it more exciting and gives us an opportunity to really enjoy its meanings and symbolism. How nice that we have a happy holiday at this time of year.

Imagine how difficult it would be if Christmas came at a time of Jewish mourning like Tisha B’Av, which takes place in a completely different season!

Is it possible to partake in any of the holiday festivities in a secular workplace? Yes, it can be done. We need to realize that God has created people whose lifestyles are different from ours. We can accept them and be friends with them as long as there is mutual respect for different beliefs and lifestyles. At the same time, we need to be firm about our boundaries and not let anyone pressure us to change the way we live. We can certainly participate in gift exchanges and donate to the poor (something which we do all year round anyway in giving Tzedakah). We don’t have to worship the same deity to care about one another. Not all of the Christmas holiday music is about religion. There are many songs about winter and snow which those of us in certain climates can appreciate.

While life was difficult in my formative years, perhaps my experiences prepared me for some of the challenges of adulthood. Our observances are golden opportunities for education. My co-workers have enjoyed learning about kosher symbols on packaged foods and they really appreciate it when I bring Yom Tov desserts for them to enjoy. In addition to satisfying their curiosity about my customs and traditions, I can also bond with co-workers and non-Jewish friends regarding life outside of religion. We are all human beings and share similar life challenges. Finding connections with and having mutual respect for others whose lives are different is a giant step towards peaceful co-existence, a goal for which we strive as we make our world a better place for everyone.

The key to surviving the holidays as a Jew in a non-Jewish world is something I had to learn in my early years – the importance of looking within for our pride in Jewish observance.

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