Let’s Lay Down Our Weapons: 5 Tips to Prevent Sabotaging Your Marriage

Feb 1, 2022 | Marriage & Relationships

Written by Ruti Eastman

Far from being the stuff of romantic movies, marriage is arguably the hardest job one can ever undertake (with bringing up kids running a close second). I often remind young people that when they marry, they are embarking on the most important business relationship of their lives. The marital relationship, to succeed, requires more diplomacy than any international government body. Sometimes that means thinking in terms of negotiation rather than voicing every thought, feeling or demand. It means being grown up enough to be fair to this other human being with whom you are sharing a huge amount of time and space. Here are five recommendations to help you to nurture rather than destroy this very precious union.

1. Share, but not every thought.

At our gatherings with our adult children, we play thought-experiment games. Recently, the game was What Superpower Would You Like To Have? One of my sons said, “I’d like to be able to read people’s minds.” His wife and I looked at him and simultaneously quipped, “No you wouldn’t.” Much laughter ensued. But the fact is that we often have irrational thoughts sparked by a comment our partner makes or by an item we assume they mislaid or simply a bad night’s sleep. Not every thought, accusation or flash of opinion needs to be expressed.

2. Accept your partner as a unique individual rather than as an extension of yourself.

A couple used to complain to me, individually, about how much their spouse was too different from them. He was a detail-oriented person; she was a free spirit. I gently tried to remind them that they were drawn to each other because of their differences: he added order to her chaotic world; she added color and fun to his very structured existence. They couldn’t hear the message, and I don’t know if they ever took advantage of marital counseling. After three kids, they divorced.

Rabbi Ezriel Tauber, zt”l, said that God makes a marriage by taking two lumps of coal and rubbing them vigorously together until two diamonds are created. Not one diamond. Two individual gems, each made more whole and perfect and beautiful because of the “friction” caused by accommodating another human being, with all their interesting quirks and foibles and unique needs.

3. Avoid slicing and dicing your partner in front of guests (or even in private).

Marriage is about handing all the tools for your destruction to your spouse (because they will know all of your weaknesses and fears) with the express contract that not only will they never use them against you, but that they will protect you from others’ attacks as well.

When we first married, we shared a ski lodge apartment with two other couples for a luxurious overnight stay. The game Trivial Pursuit had just come out. We competed with each other as married couple teams. Through the evening, one couple would throw sarcastic barbs at each other over missed answers. “I can’t believe you didn’t know that! Now I know why they say blondes are dumb!” She wasn’t any better. “Sure glad I married you for your money and not your brains!” I am sure they thought they were being funny, but we were appalled. That night, my husband and I whispered to each other a pact. “Let’s never, ever attack each other in public like that. Not in private, either, but certainly not in front of others.” A year later, that couple, not surprisingly, was divorced. We are still friends with the other couple (and each devoted to our spouses) more than 30 years later.

4. Learn to fight fair, for fight you shall.

Perhaps one of the most important tools we can bring to the business arrangement that is our marriage is learning how to fight, and learning the art of negotiation that every successful business person employs.

One of our young married couples recently bought an apartment. They moved at the same time the husband had taken a new job (meaning that among the most stressful life events, they had taken on two at once). I learned so much

from my children during this move. “Wediscussed before the move that we were going to have fights. We weren’t going to get enough sleep; we were going to differ on how to spend the budget for the apartment; we were going to take turns being jerks. We decided to forgive each other and to cut each other a lot of slack.” By preparing in advance to see each other as allies rather than opponents, this couple managed to laugh at themselves rather than to need marital counseling and, from what I have heard from them individually since the move, they seem to be even crazier about each other than before.

5. Be responsible for your own happiness.

Too often I hear from a young person that they are looking for someone who will make them happy or, in the more thoughtful instance, whom they can make happy. That is a losing prospect from the beginning, as making another person happy is not something in our power. We can enhance their happiness with acts and words of kindness, taking the time to hear and understand, learning their unique “love language,” which is often very different from our own. But “being happy” is an individual choice. No one can force happiness on another human being. 

When we come to realize that our spouse is not only not responsible for creating our happiness, but also not the enemy, we create an environment that changes lumps of coal into diamonds rather than dust. Instead of attacking each other with weapons of sarcasm, the silent treatment, explosions of rage or whining, we need to put our backs together and work as a team. This is the key to building marital (and family) happiness and a life full of love.

The marital relationship, to succeed, requires more diplomacy than any international government body.

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