Dos and Don’ts with Divorced Friends
Written by Adara Yael Peskin-Shalem
Divorce is on the rise, and whether you are married or single yourself, you have probably seen a growing percentage of your friends and acquaintances experience divorce. You want to support them through this difficult new stage in their lives, but there are things you may be doing that are more harmful than helpful.
As a divorced woman myself, I’m often flabbergasted at the actions or words of people I formerly respected. Many women find their social circles changing as they go through, and after, divorce, in large part because of ignorance from the community at large. Here is a list of Dos and Don’ts to help you help your friends navigate your relationship in the context of divorce.
Don’t ask inappropriate questions. Even though it’s natural to want to know why a couple has separated, the reasons are often more complex than can be explained in a conversation, and being asked about the details causes the person to have to relive the trauma over and over again. But the bottom line is that it’s actually none of your business. Never make assumptions about the reasons for someone’s divorce. You never know what is going on behind closed doors.
Don’t ask someone why they’re getting divorced. Dissolving a marriage is difficult under the best circumstances, and there are always wounds. Prying questions demand the other person open themselves up to you in a way that they may not be ready or able to do…
Do not ask someone if her husband hit her. There are many valid reasons to dissolve a marriage besides being hit, and many forms of abuse besides physical abuse. If she tells you about abuse she went through, do not assume she did something to deserve it, that what she experienced wasn’t actually abuse or that all men do these things. She didn’t, it was, and they don’t.
Do offer to be an emotional support. While prying questions are wrong, offering to be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on, if they want, is appreciated, as long as it is with no pressure or expectation. Be supportive. Encourage them if they’re down and let them know you believe in them. Ask them, gently, how they feel about their divorce, so that you can know if they want to be congratulated, or supported while they mourn. If they don’t want to share that, leave it be. Be supportive. Ask them how they’re doing in general and if they need any help.
Do not try to get them to stay married. Divorce isn’t easy and most people don’t rush to get divorced without first doing whatever they can to see if they could salvage their marriage. Don’t ask them if there’s any chance for them to get back together or “stage an intervention” to try to get them to stay married. By the time a couple has publicly announced they are getting a divorce, they’ve usually already explored every
possibility of staying together. To question that or imply that things can still be fixed is really sending the message that you either don’t believe them or trust their judgment. Don’t use Jewish guilt to try to force the issue, because guilting them into staying together only prolongs the inevitable and could cause an already abusive situation to escalate.
Do ask them if there’s any way you can help with their divorce. Offer to come with them to their court dates/beit din as moral support. Offer to celebrate with them when they get their get or when their legal divorce is complete.
Don’t tell them that they should stay married for their kids and that divorce will mess up their children. Living with abuse and constant fighting is far more damaging than divorce.
Don’t treat their children like they are damaged goods or like you fear how they will influence your children. The children experiencing divorce need as much of their life as possible to remain stable.
Do offer to help with the kids. Recommend this article about how to parent during a divorce without hurting the kids. Do offer to have your sons or husband take their sons with them to shul so they won’t feel uncomfortable walking into the men’s section themselves. Do offer to help them with their kids in an emergency, such as in the middle of the night. Do offer to watch their kids so that mom can have a break, especially overnight or for a Shabbat, if the mom has sole custody.
Don’t pass the buck and assume they are getting help from others. A mother going through divorce can never have “too much” help and support.
Do offer to help. Do ask them what type of help they’d appreciate. Ask them if they are ok financially or need help such as tzedaka. Do ask them if they need help in the house. Do tell them to let you know when they’re sick or otherwise run down so that you can take extra care of them, such as making them soup. Ask them if they’d like to be put in touch with other divorced women and support groups. Bonus points – randomly drop things off at their house, like a
treat or some nice self-care item or a Shabbat dish, with a loving and supportive note. You don’t have to wait to be asked for help – many people who need help can’t or don’t know how to ask (or don’t want to be a burden to others).
Don’t leave them out of things. Don’t write them out of your social life now that they are at a different stage in life. Don’t exclude them from Shabbat plans or parties, because an event is “for couples” or you’re worried they’ll flirt with your husband etc. Don’t insist that you know what is best for them when it comes to socializing and Shabbatot; if they will be uncomfortable, they’ll let you know by turning down the invitation. Don’t start treating them like a child if they’re divorced and childless – they are still adults and deserve adult company.
Do consider them when making plans. Ask them if they want Shabbat or Yom Tov invites. Respect it if they say they want to be alone. If they are open to invites, invite regularly and not just once in a blue moon to “fulfill your obligation”. When making plans for Yom Tov, ask them a long time in advance if they would like to visit, etc., so they feel like they are set and don’t feel the need to scramble or beg for invites at the last minute or make Yom Tov on their own. Chagim can be the hardest times for divorced people. Do seat them with the adults, even if they aren’t “part of a couple”.
Do not involve their ex. When a divorce is less than amicable, most people stay sane by focusing on the future and not the past. Don’t tell them that you feel bad for their ex. Don’t ask them how their ex is doing. Don’t pass on things you heard about them or they told you to their ex. Basically, leave the ex out of it.
Do consider if you want to be in touch with their ex. If someone is a close friend and left an abusive marriage, do consider how hurt your friend may be if you decide to still socialize with her ex and consider them a friend.
It really doesn’t take much to be a good friend to someone divorced. With a little planning and thought you can be an important part of their support system and help them build a better future.
Even though it’s natural to want to know why a couple has separated, the reasons are often more complex than can be explained in a conversation, and being asked about the details causes the person to have to relive the trauma over and over again.
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