Removing the Mask
Written by Tanya Goldfrad, R.P.H., M.P.H.
There are many times in life that we choose to mask ourselves, to put on a facade, if you will, of who we are. Sometimes it’s from peer pressure. Other times for financial gain. Sometimes it’s simply for love or even safety. Whatever the reason, although it may serve us temporarily, wearing a facade is energy-consuming and lowers our self-image. For most of us, it’s just not sustainable for the long term.
If a partner doesn’t see you as you are, how you truly are, how on earth can you build a deep connection? How can you sustain the relationship? How can you expect to grow together? We need to put our best face forward when dating – but it still needs to be OUR face. Not someone else’s ideal woman that we hope to become.
When we mask ourselves to fit into a social milieu, it can be draining emotionally. It can make you feel undeserving of being appreciated for who you really are. For example, in the rush to embrace traditional Judaism many Ba’alei Teshuva (newly observant) stop doing and being who they were. Now obviously if they were involved in something objectionable, we could understand, but for most people, there is no real reason or need.
By disregarding all the things that make you who you are, you cheapen your own value – not only in the eyes of others but in your own mind as well. It creates an internal cognitive dissonance that must be resolved. That suppressed part of you wants to come out and it will find a way (or torment you in the process). It is important for those new to observance to remember that taking on Torah and mitzvot does not mean you can’t continue to play tennis or be part of your book club. If the people from your past are judging your shift, that may be an issue – but instead of letting go of the things you love, find new people to do them with who are willing to accept you as you are.
As you make shifts becoming more observant, ease into it. Radical shifts tend to recoil like a compressed spring. That can be painful, humiliating, and counterproductive. When you take things slowly, the change is more likely to stick. Remember: You exist because the world needs you – not someone else’s concept of you, but who you actually are – with all your talents, desires, and even challenges. Torah Judaism has an umbrella of options within the framework of observance, and there is a place for you under that umbrella. You just need to find where you are comfortable as you strengthen your connection with God.
Just as human relationships demand authenticity, so does our relationship with God. Any facade we build around ourselves in this endeavor will only get in the way as we try to build a connection with our Father in heaven. You can’t develop a connection if it’s built on lies.
This life change that you have embarked on will become truer and deeper if you make the change congruent with who you really are. It is extremely important to make changes that are in alignment with where you see your level of observance in the long run, but that factor in the things that make you, you. Example: If you were an avid novel reader prior to choosing an observant lifestyle, you can and should still read. It might mean reading different authors or changing genres. The point is that if you need to read for relaxation, shutting that down and picking up “The Path of the Just” probably won’t work for you. The things you love to do might need to be adjusted or adapted to your new lifestyle, but they don’t need to be abandoned altogether.
This premise works for those born into an observant home as well. We too need to be intellectually honest with ourselves. We need to realize the difference between striving for something more (which we must do to grow) and creating an illusion completely disconnected from reality. Dating or marrying the type of guy who wants a different lifestyle than you do is unfair to both parties, future children, and extended families. When people have lavish parties, to impress the community, what are they accomplishing, especially when that behavior does not align with the values they profess to uphold? When we are focused on impressing others financially or otherwise, it usually stems from a lack of self confidence. Maybe that is where energy should be focused.
Sometimes we use our children or piety as a mask. When we raise our children we need to choose schools that mirror the level of observance that we have built in the home. During my childhood, people would joke about the people who had a TV hidden in a closet of their home (because the school didn’t allow families to own a TV). The duplicitous message for our children is destructive. Unless your child requests a more religious environment for school than what you practice in the home, choosing this path forces them to either learn to
lie (mask his/her true self) to themselves, their peers, or teachers. It is much healthier for everyone involved to choose schools whose values echo those of the home. Don’t mask yourself behind your children!
Another common mask we wear is our jobs. You are more than any job. The job is just one component of your life. Don’t let it define you. We see this a lot with men when they retire. Without their job, they are lost. Like a boat without a rudder. Your value is infinitely more than any job could ever be.
In the Purim story, Queen Esther wore a mask to protect her people. In return, she is lauded as being a deserving daughter of Sarah (who lived 127 years). It is said that because of her righteous actions, she merited to rule over 127 countries. Each of us has Esther as a role model. Once it was safe she revealed who she was, and was unabashed about it. A message she wants her daughters to absorb is to value themselves. To know their own worth. Most mask themselves because they question their own value. They define themselves best by comparing themselves to others. Esther didn’t seek the crown or want it. God placed it on her head. I am sure she was terrified and confused at times. In the harem while her rivals looked for ways to ingratiate themselves and appear more attractive, she didn’t seek the limelight. She wasn’t swept up into the intrigues of the palace. She remained a devoted daughter of Israel. By remaining true to herself, not falling for the facade that she is the queen and therefore separate from her people, she continues to inspire us today. We too need to remember who we are and that we were created for a purpose. We need to be true to ourselves and not force ourselves to become someone we are not, because that person can’t do what you were created to do. Aspire and reach to become more – absolutely! But not by putting on false airs and facades. Remember, if you weren’t important, with a task only you can do, you wouldn’t have been born. You have music and light to share. So take off the mask and radiate the exquisite woman you are – the world awaits you.
Whatever the reason, although it may serve us temporarily, wearing a facade is energy-consuming and lowers our self-image.
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