Self-Care Isn’t Selfish, It’s Crucial

Given this connotation, many women feel guilty about “indulging” in self-care. They have a hard time justifying it when so many other needs and people are vying for attention. A working-full-time mom has the stressors of managing work, kids and her relationship with her husband. And a working-full-time single mom faces those stressors in double measure. How can she justify indulgent behavior, if it might come at the expense of the kids, her work, household chores, navigating the strained relationship with her children’s father, budgeting, and all the myriad other responsibilities that come up as the single head of household?

The real question should be how can she justify not taking care of herself when healthy self-care will give her more resources to handle all these responsibilities? And while some may put a strain on financial commitments, many can be cost-free too. 

Self-Care 101

Done right, self-care doesn’t have anything to do with self-indulgence. It’s about clarifying your mental and physical needs and then meeting them. In fact, many of the things you already do on a daily basis constitute self-care – from brushing your teeth, to having a good diet (as in, one’s general food choices and not a way to lose weight!) to a daily exercise routine (did you get in those steps today to maintain your energy?), showering and keeping a bedtime. All the pressures of daily life can make even these basic tasks difficult, especially for those struggling with depression or any other mental health issue on top of all their responsibilities. Even someone who isn’t struggling in those areas can find it challenging to make sure their physical needs are met. A mentor of mine often reminded me, when she was in her child-bearing years, that during the week she was lucky if she managed to shower more often than once a week and that if I was managing two showers a week with three kids under the age of five, then I was managing well. Who cares how many dishes there are in the sink, if the basic needs of a family are met?

Therapy and its benefits

Therapy, be it psychological or physical, can be an important self-care tool as well. Finding the time for therapy in the jungle of life is a success that shouldn’t be taken for granted, especially considering the possible travel time and expenses that may be  incurred. The emotional growth that can be achieved in therapy may at first seem hard and draining, as the various traumas and difficulties one has experienced are dealt with, often for the first time. How could such experiences be self-care? When making your own wellbeing a priority, you gain the tools needed to function more efficiently and to be emotionally and physically available for your children. The time spent away from the home in various therapies amounts to more of *you* present when you are actually with your children, and it carries you through the entire week. Therapy, specifically CBT, has been

clinically proven to improve the quality of life in a 2021 meta-review, across many different mental and physical conditions. 

Social needs

For a married couple, the date nights between husband and wife strengthen their connection and allow them to remember why they are married when the stressors of daily life permeate every other interaction they have with one another. That is quite possibly one of the biggest reasons many marriage therapists recommend date nights as a first-line rescue remedy for couples struggling with their marriage.

How is a single mom supposed to fit a social life into her already impossibly full schedule? The social interaction of regular get-togethers with friends is as important for single moms as it is for married couples. Being with kids day in and day out can make a mother forget herself and who she is outside of the identity of “mom”. While the type of relationship is vastly different, spending time away from the kids with other adults – any other adults – can have similar benefits.

Support groups can be an alternative. However, sometimes those alternatives can be exhausting rather than invigorating. That being said, finding the right support group can be an amazing experience when you need to discuss the difficulty of whatever trouble you are experiencing. From chronic pain and health issues to single parenthood, many Facebook groups exist for an easy way to connect. Even groups which are focused on general life experiences, like a shared fandom or unique lifestyle, can help cultivate friendships which are rejuvenating. Many people have spoken about the friends they have made in such online groups, including friendships that have lasted since they were teens. Where else could you find a connection in another country, only to finally decide to meet at a concert or convention, perhaps even sharing a hotel room with someone you’d never otherwise meet?

Those are the type of friends, ones with whom you connect deeply and on more than a surface level, who provide better support than most other support groups where you have something in common with the other members. Arranging regular meetings with these companions, including funding the babysitters that enable them to occur, is a vital task of all mothers. Whether they are bosom buddies from childhood, workmates or neighbors, these relationships form the basis of fulfilling social needs. And while Zoom may have sufficed during the various lockdowns experienced during the pandemic, face-to-face meetings provide for more expression and, more importantly, the opportunity to provide the vital touch needs of a hug from a dear friend that single parents, especially, are lacking. 

Touch

A sensitive topic; finding the appropriate and