Warning: This article contains graphic descriptions of abuse. This can be extremely triggering to people who have gone through abuse.

Yes, That Too Is Abuse

Abuse

Written by Adara Yael Peskin-Shalem

March 1, 2022

Recently an alarming situation in the religious community came to light regarding the disturbing case of a serial abuser, and some of the reactions have been extremely problematic. Almost more disturbing is that, apparently, his depravity was known about for years, but nothing was done to stop it. Unfortunately, situations like this no longer surprise me, having seen many protocols in the religious community that are intended to silence victims and only serve to enable more abuse. Even well-meaning people, those who know that abuse is extremely damaging, and who want to do what they can to stop it, are often completely unaware of what truly constitutes abuse, and so they are unknowingly adding to the problem. Additionally, too many people in abusive relationships don’t even realize that their relationship is abusive, because it doesn’t follow the commonly discussed specifics of abuse, and so they don’t get out of the situation until far too late, if at all.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviors used by one person to maintain power and control over another person.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviors used by one person to maintain power and control over another person. While abuse is often talked about in terms of marriage, and while much of the focus of this article will be on abuse with intimate partners, abuse also frequently happens to children via their parents, or elders via their caretakers (elder abuse). It can also happen with anyone in an authority position over someone else (though not in every case of such relationships, of course), for example with a teacher, a therapist, a child with any adult, etc. Abuse can be done to women or by women, to men or by men, but for the sake of brevity, and because this is a magazine for women and women’s most frequent abusers are men, abusers will be referred to as male, and victims as female.

Note: Any person, of any gender, who is in a situation similar to any of those described in this article, should get yourself to safety immediately and seek help.

Physical abuse 

Physical abuse is the most widely known type of abuse. Someone who beats someone, obviously, is abusive, as is someone committing any form of extreme physical violence. But for many people the definition of abuse stops there. Punching, hitting, kicking and the like are not the only forms of physical abuse. 

Slapping someone, even a child, counts as physical abuse, even if it was only once. 

According to the AZ Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic violence, even more ‘mild’ forms of physically hurting someone count as physical abuse, which include shaking someone, pulling or pushing someone, pinching or scratching. 

But physical abuse does not even stop there. Certain behaviors that don’t result in anyone becoming physically injured can also count as physical abuse even without any physical contact, such as:

  • Holding someone against their will, either physically by keeping someone in a room, or blocking exits, are physical abuse.
  • Holding a weapon, which is an implied threat that it will be used, is also physical abuse. This includes guns, knives, or any object that could be used as a weapon. 
  • Throwing things in anger even not at the person’s direction, or destruction of property or threatening to destroy property also constitute physical abuse.
  • Kicking or punching or otherwise breaking walls, doors, or other inanimate things in anger or during an argument also constitutes physical abuse.

Even harming one’s self in front of someone else in anger or during an argument constitutes physical abuse. So does locking someone either in or out of a house, or withholding physical needs, such as sleep, food, or transportation.

So many people think that actually hurting someone physically is the only thing that  counts as physical abuse. However, any use of force to intimidate people, so they feel threatened that they will undergo bodily harm, as all the above do, also counts as  physical abuse, and is enough to make this person a physical danger to the abused person.

Today, there is much more awareness that there are other types of abuse than merely physical, but a lot of people would be surprised at how many behaviors actually constitute a form of abuse. Other types of abuse include sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse, control, financial, religious, and more. Unfortunately, these often get minimized by both the victims and others who witness or hear about what happens. They rationalize these as normal behaviors, things that happen even in loving relationships, and not problematic. One woman who shared with someone that she was leaving her abusive marriage, was asked, “Did he hit you?” and when she responded that he hadn’t, was told that, in that case, it wasn’t actually abuse. We now understand that these types of behaviors are just as harmful and cause just as much lasting damage as physical abuse. Additionally, any type of abuse can escalate into physical abuse or even murder, especially when a victim tries to leave the abusive situation, since the abuser feels the need to be in control of his victim

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Verbal and emotional abuse are two other, often overlapping types of abuse. Emotional abuse is when someone uses another’s weakness, insecurity, or temperament to their advantage. To do this, the abuser puts down, intimidates, manipulates, or controls another in order to hurt them. Verbal abuse is any hurtful language used to put down, embarrass or threaten someone. The problem with these “types of abuse” is they are less obvious, and even “non abusers” occasionally commit these types of behaviors. This is always wrong and abusive behavior, but it gets to be especially problematic when it occurs on a regular or even semi-regular basis. Too many people, however, rationalize these behaviors. Verbal and emotional abuse can be committed in so many different ways that it is impossible to list all of them, but here are some examples:

  • Insulting and criticizing someone in order to make the victim question their worth and capabilities constitute abuse. This includes name calling, humiliation, publicly or even in private, cursing at someone, accusations, and threats. 
  • Insulting someone, for example telling them that they’re unattractive and undesirable counts as well. 
  • Blaming is also a common tactic, with victims being held responsible for the behaviors, emotions, or problems of another. 
  • Yelling, screaming, going on a rampage, terrorizing, or giving the silent treatment are all abusive behaviors, and constitute vebal abuse.

Abusers routinely ignore, neglect or disregard victims’ requests and needs. They also employ tactics such as character assasination, being patronizing, being dismissive (expressions and actions such as eye rolling, smirking, and sighing at things that are important to them), intentionally pushing buttons knowing it’ll get the victim upset. They often use phrases such as “Calm down”, “Stop overreacting”, “Why are you being so sensitive” and things of the sort, instead of validating their hurt feelings. Abusers will often state that they’re joking, and ask, “Why can’t they just take a joke?” when the victim tells them that they are hurt. They’ll often insist that they love them and would never hurt them on purpose, and then continue acting the same way. 

Gaslighting, a term that comes from a 1940s movie called Gaslight, is a covert type of emotional abuse in which the abuser manipulates, misleads, and creates a false narrative which makes the victim question their judgements and reality, their own perception of the world and even their sanity. When being gaslit, the abuser lies to the victim, for example about things that happened, or that the victim knows are true. Even when called out for their lies, they never back down from their “alternative facts” and insist that the victim is making things up, and tend to be very convincing. These things make the victim question whether there is something wrong with them, whether they are to blame, or even if they are sane. 

Such abusers will regularly say or imply that the victim is crazy. They will also often spread rumors about the victim, often in the guise of “concern”, that the

victim is emotionally unstable or crazy, which often, unfortunately, gets other people to side with the abuser without knowing the full story. Gaslighting can include stealing and hiding the victim’s important things and then criticizing them for losing them. It can be telling the victim that everyone thinks certain negative things about them, like that they are unhinged or unstable or abusive. 

Blame shifting is a common tactic as well. For example, if the victim brings up something wrong that the abuser did, the gaslighter will turn it around and make the victim feel that it was all their fault, and usually have them end up apologizing for their actions, instead of the abuser admitting they were wrong and changing their behavior.

The biggest problem with gaslighting is that victims often end up questioning whether they, in fact, are the ones with all the problems in the relationship, are at fault for the bad things in the relationship, and are the ones responsible for fixing things, and that the abuser is totally fine.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is another type of abuse that people are aware of, but they are often clueless as to what constitutes sexual abuse, or if they do understand, many deny that such things are actually sexual abuse. In fact, it was only in 1975 that the first state outlawed marital rape, and it took until 1993 for it to be illegal in 50 states. There are currently 150 countries that outlaw marital rape, but unfortunately there are still far too many countries in which marital rape specifically is excluded from rape laws. 

Often, people only think of violent rape as sexual abuse, but there are many more behaviors that constitute sexual abuse. Any type of sexual contact, whether physical or not, between an adult and a minor, or between anyone else with power over another, such as a therapist and client, rabbi and congregant, older sibling and younger sibling, etc. constitutes sexual abuse. When there is a power imbalance, consent doesn’t exist, even if the person “consents”.

Any time sexual acts are used to exploit, or are forced onto another person, it is sexual abuse. If someone uses manipulation, guilt tripping, or coercion to get someone to have a sexual experience with them, a “yes” does not indicate consent. This, unfortunately, is something that can be extremely problematic, especially in the religious community. Men are told that they cannot pleasure themselves and that their only sexual satisfaction can come through intercourse with their wives. In many religious communities, women are taught that, because of this, they should make themselvesavailable to their husband whenever he wants to have sex, since he has no other permitted sexual release. Some women are even taught that they are not allowed to say no to their husband, which is why husbands should only hint at their desire to have sex so that the wife won’t sin by telling him no. In addition, the ubiquitous teaching that one must have sex on mikva night often means negating whether someone actually wants to be having sex, and is a form of coercion. This is essentially communally and religiously sanctioned rape.

Halacha, on the other hand, clearly states that while men are obligated to make sure their wife is pleased sexually as much as she wants, a woman has no such obligation. It is also forbidden to have sex with your spouse when you are angry with them, and yet, this is often neglected to be mentioned when women are told that they are to be available to their husbands sexually.

When someone guilt trips their partner into having sex, whether it is because they claim that if the person truly loved them they’d have sex, stating that a good/proper wife has the obligation to have sex with her husband, that they have blue balls and need to have sex, or that if their wife doesn’t sleep with them they’ll look at porn and masturbate and it’ll be her fault that he sinned, this is all sexual abuse.

Even if such words are not said but only implied, if a woman knows that if she doesn’t agree to have sex frequently enough her partner will be surly and angry and mistreat her, this is also sexual abuse.

  • Any non-consensual sexual touch or action, even if not actual sex, counts as sexual abuse, including unwanted touch such as kissing, fondling, stroking, and any sort of penetration. 
  • Taking advantage of someone sexually when they are unable to make an informed decision about their involvement, whether because they are intoxicated, asleep, drugged, or disabled, is sexual abuse. 
  • Pressuring someone to do sexual actions that they are not comfortable with, even if they are ok with sexual activities in general with this person, is also abuse. 
  • Withholding sex as a control mechanism is also sexual abuse.

The only way any sexual contact with someone is not sexual abuse is if there is true consent. Consent because someone actually wants to, and not because they are afraid of what will happen if they say no. Consent the entire time. If someone starts off consenting and then changes their mind midway, it is not consent and is abuse if their partner insists on continuing. Period.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is all too prevalent in the Jewish religious community, as even in healthy marriages women are often told to do things that are abusive in practice. Women are taught that according to halacha all the money that they earn belongs to their husband as the head of the household, and that any money they spend needs to be with his approval. They are also taught kabalistic concepts, such as the husband being the source of financial blessing to the home and therefore he should be in charge. These ideas are especially dangerous with abusive or controlling husbands.

Financial abuse is found in 99% of domestic violence cases, and it is employed, among other things, as a way to trap the victim with her abuser as she has no financial means to leave.

Unfortunately, this is something that is not talked about enough, and when it is discussed, it is not with enough depth. Many people being financially abused don’t even realize that this is financial abuse. This author assumes that this is one of the types of abuse about which people are the least aware, since many people think these are normal parts of a relationship, which is why this section is so detailed.

Financial abuse can be broken down into three main categories – limiting a partner’s ability to earn money, taking a partner’s money, and controlling shared money. 

When a husband tries to stop his wife from making money, he may do things such as sabotage her work. He may call her up or show up at her work repeatedly to stop her from working, intentionally make her late to work, stop her from going to career advancing training, etc. He may also stop her from going to work or important meetings by hurting her or keeping her up all night. However, it may be something as seemingly innocuous as insisting that she be a stay-at-home mom or housewife so that she doesn’t have the means to make a living. If a woman does work, he may constantly put her work down, mock her abilities to work, or insist that her working is coming at the expense of him, their house, and their kids, to try to convince her to work less or stop entirely. He may also insist that she work for a family business without pay.

Another way financial abuse occurs is via his controlling or ruining his wife’s finances. He often insists that whatever money she earns, she hands over to him to manage, dole out, and control. He may steal (or “borrow” and never return) money from his wife or her family. Abusers often forbid their wives to have money in their own name, either their own bank account or stocks, bonds, and other investments, or if she does have such accounts, he may insist on her giving him power of attorney or other access to her money. Some abusers run up large bills on their wife’s credit card and don’t pay them, or take loans under her name and not repay them, thus ruining her credit. In countries where both spouses are liable for debt accrued in either partner’s name while married (in cases with no prenup), taking out loans or running up a credit card even under his name, without her agreeing to such, would also count as financial abuse. When a woman’s financial situation is terrible because of her husband’s actions, this is financial abuse.

The third category of financial abuse is when a person cuts off his spouse’s access to family money. An abuser may refuse to work or contribute to the family income, putting the entire burden on their spouse. At the same time, even though they aren’t even the one earning the money, they require to be in control of the finances. He may insist she share her income but refuse to share his. He may take joint money and move it to a secret account. Some husbands won’t let their wives have access to their bank account, whether log-in access, account balance, investment information or other financial information. He may withhold money, requiring her to request money, and/or give her a limited allowance to spend. She may have to be accountable for every cent she spends, often being required to present him with every receipt and give him all the change. While in a healthy relationship a couple can budget and input all this information into a budgeting app or program, in an abusive situation, the abused one is required to provide all this information to their spouse, but it is not mutual and he has no financial accountability towards his wife. An abuser may also thwart any attempt to budget or collaborate on finances.

An abuser might threaten to cut her off financially as a punishment. A financially abusive spouse may take limited funds that the couple has and spend it on frivolous and unneeded expenses, leaving little to no money available for basic needs, requiring his wife to penny pinch to extremes or ask for charity to cover expenses such as food, clothing, or medical care for herself and their children. Likewise, in cases of financial abuse, he may refuse to give her money to pay for heating, or fixing home appliances such as refrigerators, stoves, or dishwashers. These last two situations are where financial abuse overlaps with physical abuse, as neglecting needs such as food, clothing, medical care, and heating are also considered physical abuse.

Too many women are trapped in abusive marriages because the financial abuse from their husband makes it impossible for them to have the finances to leave, which can have catastrophic results.

Coercive Control

When a person believes that they have a right to maintain dominance over another person, this is abuse. The attempts to control their victim are varied but all extremely problematic. These things are often subtle but they are devious and extensive. Types of coercive control are:

  • Invading privacy, not allowing someone time and space of their own, such as monitoring their phone calls, or calling or showing up at home unexpectedly to check up on them.
  • Not allowing someone freedom of dress, such as making them dress either more seductively or conservatively than they want.
  • Checking the mileage on the car or tracking them on GPS.
  • Using kids to control the other parent, such as threats to hurt or kidnap, or threatening to call social services if the mom leaves the relationship.

Religious Abuse

Religious abuse is any time religion is used to control someone. There are many types of abuse that often overlap with religious abuse. The aforementioned pressure to have sex from a spouse because of “religious obligation” counts as religious abuse. Using obscure quotes from religious texts that the spouse is obligated to discipline the wife is religious abuse and probably physical abuse as well. Shaming a spouse for not adhering to the level of religiosity that a spouse desires is a type of religious abuse.

Trying to stop someone from practicing their religious beliefs is also religious abuse. Pressuring one’s wife to be engaged in any sorts of sexual actions while in nidda, using excuses like, “But we’re on vacation, you can’t do this to me,” or mocking her for being “too strict” on halacha when she wants to keep hilchot nidda properly would be both religious and sexual abuse, and possibly emotional abuse as well.

Isolating someone from their religious community also counts as religious abuse. 

Isolation

Isolation is a tactic very frequently practiced by abusers. The intention of isolating a victim is to keep them dependent on the abuser, and to not have a support system by which to leave. This isolation usually starts out innocuously enough, with phrases such as, “Wouldn’t you rather spend time with me instead of your friends/family?” but often progresses. It combines with coercive control when monitoring calls and being discouraged or outright forbidden from talking to or spending time with certain people. This includes being instructed not to spend time with family and friends that the husband deems a bad influence religiously, especially common among baalei teshuva (newly observant Jews). When people feel like their spouse can’t find out that they spent time with certain friends or they’ll have hell to pay, that is isolation as abuse. Locking someone into their home is isolation, as well as physical abuse.

Abuse is one of the most problematic issues of our times, and yet so little is done to prevent it or stop it once it starts. Additionally, too many women are unaware, even, that what they’re going through is abuse. The first step, therefore, is to educate women and communities as a whole as to what abuse entails, which is the intention of this piece. May all the people in abusive relationships find the strength and ability to leave their abusers and start their healing journey.

Editor’s note: While the majority of abuse outlined in this article is perpetrated against women, there is a significant number of men who are also being abused and either unaware that their situation qualifies as abuse, or ashamed to admit it (because of cultural norms). It is important to understand that this article in no way intends to imply that men are not abused, that women cannot be abusers or that men in abusive situations should not seek help.

 

If you suspect that you are in an abusive situation and need help, here is a list of resources for you to contact:

Shalom Task Force 

Jewish Women International

Jewish Women’s Aid 

Jewish Family and Child Service

Tahel – Crisis Center for Religious Women and Children 

Bat Melech

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