Ruti’s Remedies – Grandparenting 101: Trust the Parents
Written by Ruti Eastman
Dear Ruti,
I’d like advice on dealing with my grandchildren. Each of my children is so different, and they are all raising their children very differently. One set of parents is bringing their kids up to be on time, to say “please” and “thank you,” to clean up after themselves. The kids need and get a lot of attention. Another set of parents is raising their children to be independent and free-thinking. They occupy themselves easily. They are messy but happy. Another family focuses on living a religious life, while another isn’t focused on religion at all. I am very confused about what my role is. How am I supposed to be a grandparent to such different grandchildren?
Signed,
Befuddled Bubby
Dear BB,
Mazal tov on doing such a good job with your children! You didn’t bring up cookie-cutter kids. You brought up individuals who feel comfortable “living their own truths.” Of course, you can hope they all share your core values. Every parent hopes for that. But the main thing to remember as a parent of adult children is that your child-rearing is done. You’ve finished raising them.
Now it is time to move from being the captain of the team to being a cheerleader. Nothing drives a wedge between parents and adult children faster than a parent who can’t step back and
applaud her children’s efforts at bringing up their own kids. Letting them know you are there for them when they ask for advice is important. But keeping your advice to yourself when it is not requested (or offering it gently and respectfully, as you would to a friend) shows that you trust them and respect them in their new roles as captains of their own teams.
Practically speaking, how do you grandparent such different children? Start by celebrating your children’s differences, again recognizing that you helped them to become these very distinctive adults. When you are in your grandchildren’s homes, try to follow their parents’ unique styles. Speak to the children in the manner they are accustomed to and open to hearing. Expect of them the same things that their parents do. Don’t push behaviors on them that are not valued by their parents.
This doesn’t mean that you should stop being yourself. If you say blessings before food, you should be respected for that. If you have honored your children regardless of their level of religiosity, they should be willing to allow you to continue being yourself, even in front of their children. Good parents will not be afraid of their children learning about the culture and habits of their parents, as long as there is no manipulative tug-of-war going on for the children’s souls.
Try not to give commands to the grandchildren in front of their parents. And never risk making parental decisions on their turf.
When a grandchild asks you if she can have a cookie, it is wise to say with a smile something like, “You need to ask Mommy, Sweetheart. She’s the cookie boss around here.”
What if you are in your own home, taking care of the grandchildren? If Mommy and Daddy don’t allow sugar, don’t undermine their efforts when you babysit. It goes without saying that the parents’ wishes should be adhered to without eye-rolling or acting as if both you and your grandchild can pull things off behind the parents’ backs. (Yes, I know they do it on cute TV shows with kids and grandparents. But you wouldn’t have liked it being done to you when you were bringing up your children.) You can ask your children how much you are allowed to “spoil” their kids — they will often let you know what they are flexible about and where they absolutely draw the line. Check beforehand about how much screen time is allowed, when naps are supposed to be scheduled, and what routines are supposed to be kept, to the best of your ability.
In the long run, you will have more time with your grandchildren and more quality time with your adult children if you remember that you are no longer in charge of directing their choices.
I have faith in you, BB. You successfully brought up very different children, and I believe you will do the same with your grandchildren.
All the best for success,
Ruti
In the long run, you will have more time with your grandchildren and more quality time with your adult children if you remember that you are no longer in charge of directing their choices.
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