Learning to be Comfortable with “No”
Written by Hannah Heller
“No.” It is a very short word, only two letters and it carries a lot of power. As children, we became aware of its power early and used it a lot. It’s a natural part of becoming self-aware and figuring out our power over our world. We did not like it when adults used this word as a response to our endless requests. But somehow, as adults, saying the word “no” when we are asked to do something that we do not have time for, or do not have any interest in doing, is often one of our most difficult challenges in life.
Why do we have so much trouble using that word that came so easily when we were young? Why are we afraid of the power that comes from refusing a request for something that will not work out well for us? Sometimes we are working with a service provider such as an insurance agent, financial advisor, therapist, housekeeper, child care provider or contractor and we are no longer comfortable with the working relationship, and yet we are still hesitant to end it, even when it is no longer meeting our needs. Even more complicated, is when we are in a dating relationship or in a marriage that is no longer viable or even safe. Having the courage to let go of a difficult relationship or one that is not practical is also not an easy thing to do. Is there a way to deal with these challenges and find inner peace by saying no without feeling guilty or responsible for someone else’s issues?
Taking a look at our mindset is key. In many cultures, women are taught (either outright or more subtly) that men make the final decisions and are the heads of every household and the leaders of the community. A lot of work has been done in the Jewish world and in other societies to change this. However, the message is alive and well, living rent free in the minds of many women, telling them that they need to be subservient to men as well as to other women who are in a position of power.
Everyone struggles with change – it’s scary and unfamiliar – and we’d much rather stick with what we know, even if keeping the status quo is not healthy or safe. Choosing to say no, or goodbye, and standing up for ourselves may often feel like it takes too much effort and involves too much responsibility, but that can also be a mask for what is really stopping us: fear of the unknown.
Although it can be scary, setting personal boundaries and relaying the message to others that they are not allowed to cross them, is incredibly empowering and affects not only how we feel about ourselves, but how others see us.
People will appreciate us more when we stand up for ourselves and take care of our own needs. We cannot do a job well if our hearts are not in it or if it does not fit in with our schedules. Saying yes to something that will not work out for you does not help you or the person or organization that is requesting your help. Note that no one can read your mind. When a person asks you to take on a voluntary or even a paid position, they have no way of knowing what you are dealing with at home or at work, and that this job is not suitable for you at this time.
When considering giving Tzedakah (charity), we are told that “charity begins at home.” We should start with helping the poor and needy people in our own community before branching out to other communities. However, before we can even look at others in our own communities, we have to look at ourselves. Will saying yes to this request cause more stress than I can handle? Is this an organization or a person whom I trust? Do I agree with the mission of this organization? Do I feel comfortable in this dating relationship? Do I feel I can work well with this service provider? These are important questions to ask yourself before making any commitment. If we made previous commitments and we feel that it is time to end them, procrastinating this ending is not helpful to anyone. It is not fair to the other person who is counting on you to do something if you know that there is no way you can get it done. The service provider can pursue other business and not spend time on your job if you extricate yourself from the commitment.
Sometimes those who make requests of us can be manipulative and persistent. This is when we have to work harder to stand up for ourselves. Continue to say no and if the word “no” feels too strong, repeat that you are unavailable and that you have another commitment. Regardless of whether or not you have another time commitment, you have an even more important commitment.
This is a commitment to yourself, to safeguard your health and your sanity. Sometimes you can help out, but not to the extent that you are asked. For example, if you are asked to provide meals for a week, perhaps you can agree to take one day of the week or commit to just making a side dish or providing one or two items. If you can help out in only a small way, your efforts will still be appreciated. If you cannot give the dollar amount that a charity requests but you want to help support it, they will take what you can afford.
Volunteers are trained to ask for larger donations and more functions in order to motivate people to give or to do as much as they can. We have to train ourselves to commit to only what we can physically donate of our time and our energy. Remember, there are few things in this world that are all or nothing – you can offer a smaller, more manageable commitment in place of the request which will overwhelm you.
The Torah has something to say about this as well. In Deuteronomy 4:15, we are told “V’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoteichem,” to be careful with our lives and our souls. Some commentators relate that this refers to the importance of guarding our health. It is not only our physical health which involves eating well and exercising, and avoiding smoking, alcoholism and drug addiction. It is also guarding our spiritual and mental health and realizing what will work well with our own personal needs.
In a song by Elana Arian called I Have a Voice the chorus says, “I have a voice, my voice is powerful, my voice can change the world.” We can change the world with our voices only if we first use our voices to meet our own basic needs. It is only then that we can be available to help make a difference in the world.
Why are we afraid of the power that comes from refusing a request for something that will not work out well for us?
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