Ruti’s Remedies

Dear Perplexed,

It does hurt, doesn’t it, seeing the young people we love fighting with and hurting each other? It’s easy to be our children’s defender when an outsider attacks, physically or verbally. It’s much more complicated when both participants are people we love and are trying to educate.

As in so many other parenting decisions, there is no one right answer. There are many variables. What is the age and size difference? Who started it? What else might be going on that has nothing to do with the mean words or even blows passing between them? Is it an appropriate time to teach them conversational skills: sharing their feelings calmly, dialoguing, compromising? Or is this an opportunity (if your belief system allows for it) to teach them rudimentary self-defense, when to stand up for yourself, how to fight without doing permanent damage?

It is of critical importance to know your children as individuals and as a collective. Sometimes a big kid doesn’t know his own strength, and must be monitored closely for bullying and abuse. Perhaps a child is a grand manipulator and sets up fights in such clever ways that a parent can superficially catch the frustrated response, but not what caused it. One child may need to learn to control an easily set off temper; another may need to learn to stop being everyone’s doormat or punching bag. Parenting (along with all other family relationships) often requires more diplomatic acumen than the United Nations ever mastered. Here are a few tips that might help:

1. Don’t choose sides. In our favor is the fact that most children want their parents’ approval and trust. If it’s possible to avoid showing favoritism, please do this. Nothing fuels bullying or manipulation like Mommy and Daddy always taking one side, always preferring one child or one child’s argument over another. 
2. Encourage your children’s praise of each other. One trick that has been used successfully is to reward children for their praise of each other, or for helping each other. Make a big deal out of teamwork success stories.
3. On the flip side, discourage children from “turning each other in.” Unless danger is involved, try not to foster an environment where children telling on their siblings is rewarded. Again, it must be stressed that if a child is endangering himself or others, “ratting on them” is the right thing to do. Teaching the fine-tuning of when to tell on a sibling takes time and patience, but it is worth it.
4. Stand down when you can. A helpful technique is to ask if they really want parental involvement. “If you really want me to get into this, I will. But I will do the research, and if I find out that you started it, both of you will be in trouble.” Often, kids realize that they probably can solve the problem without risking punishment. In effect, they team up to keep you out of it.
5. Teach them to work things out. When you have time to fully focus on the children and their communication skills, sit them down to a family meeting or a siblings conference. Be a fair moderator, and make sure everyone hears everyone else. This is an important life skill they will need to get along in future relationships.
6. Teach them to defend themselves. Of course, this is controversial, as some people are opposed to any violence. (And let’s face it, violence between our children is very painful for parents, too!) But there is a time and place for a child to know how to respond to violence. After carefully (and repeatedly) explaining to your children that talking things out is always the best response (to include sharing, taking turns, swapping a desired toy for another), your children may benefit from a little fair-fighting education. It also hurts parents to see a child who can never stand up for himself when attacked by another kid. Consider teaching self-defense, also for (God forbid) other future life scenarios that require self-protection. A child who knows how to defend herself doesn’t cower from the world, and therefore doesn’t look like easy prey for predators.

We want to prepare our children for life beyond the playground. This means giving them interpersonal skills that include articulate self-expression, the ability to listen, good judgment, the art of negotiation, limits on what to say and not to say, when it is okay to defend oneself. 

Because there is not one right answer, parenting is the hardest job in the world. But God gave you and your children to each other because you are the best person for the job (and they will teach you a lot, too). Work with the individual characters you were given, and help them to be the heroes and sheroes you know they can become.

All the best,

Ruti

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