Can the Shidduch System Survive?
Written by Hannah Heller
Chance encounters make life so fascinating – the new friends you meet or the old friends you run into at the grocery store, on public transportation, at weddings and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs or even while taking a walk. These events often lead to long-lasting friendships, new career paths, new ideas and sometimes two people getting married and building a life and family together. Sadly, many of the chance encounters that can lead to men and women meeting each other can be very limited with all the additional rules and restrictions that many communities impose on singles and families
It continues to be the practice in many Orthodox communities to separate men and women for weddings, shiurim, and social events. Since opportunities to meet one another are so limited, many people rely on the shidduch system, putting life partner choices in the hands of a matchmaker (shadchan). Sometimes putting one’s trust in someone with a lot of experience works out well and successful matches are made. All too often, however, singles are ostracized when a matchmaker considers them to be not up to par for appropriate matchmaking. This very subjective process makes it really difficult for those who are Baalei Teshuva (were not raised Orthodox but became more religious later in life), converts whose family of origin is not Jewish, or those who come from poor families that cannot afford to pay for an elaborate wedding or help the couple financially at the beginning of their marriage. Religious practices also play a strong role. There are different varieties and customs of observance among Orthodox Jews. Matchmakers hesitate to introduce singles to one another when their backgrounds are so different that each family would have to learn to accept someone whose customs vary from those of most people in their communities.
On the surface, it is not a bad idea to have matchmakers help singles meet one another. It only becomes a problem when other opportunities to meet are eliminated and matchmakers have exclusive power to introduce singles to one another. Singles, especially younger women, are often pressured to marry someone too early and the marriage does not work out. In addition, sometimes details about a prospective match may be omitted when the shadchan has reasons to get a young man married quickly, leading to serious issues, including abuse. Over the last several decades, we have seen a higher divorce rate and a larger number of older singles who are frustrated and discouraged about ever meeting the right match.
The screening process between the shadchanim and parents of young singles has become out of control. For some unknown reason, it has become acceptable to ask the matchmaker to find out what size dress a girl’s mother wears, what kind of tablecloth the family uses on Shabbat, what kind of car a family has and other extraneous details.
There are situations that are part of life such as when a sibling has special needs, when a family member decides they no longer want to be an Observant Jew, when parents of a young single are divorced, or when someone in the family has a physical or a mental health issue. None of these have any bearing on whether or not a couple will be happy together, and contribute to fostering an environment of impossible expectations.
Adding to the complications is the invention of the “shidduch resume.” The shidduch resume rarely shows much of the person’s character traits. Rather, it is focused on one’s family background. Details about one’s family of origin, where they went to school, what the parents do for work, names and ages of siblings and the schools they attend or the occupations that they have take up a considerable amount of space. There is a little paragraph about what the person is seeking in a match, but it is not the prominent part of the resume.
There are different opinions about sharing photos of potential matches. A photo can really help to identify the person you are going to meet. However, when the photo becomes the basis for deciding whether or not to consider a match, it becomes a problem. There is so much more to a person than what is seen on the surface. Eliminating someone because you feel they are too short or too tall, a little heavier, or a few years older or younger than you want them to be may cause you to miss out on opportunities to meet someone who might be right for you.
If the shidduch system is to survive, there are some major changes that need to take place. Treating singles as humans and not pressuring them to date the wrong people is of utmost importance. Matchmakers should not just be looking at numbers of successful shidduchim they can make. Forcing someone to settle for a match they don’t want because “you cannot be choosy when you are this age or this size” is unfair and can cause great harm.
But given the current status of things, perhaps the better question isn’t can the shidduch system survive, but rather, should it?
Perhaps the “shidduch crisis” could be eliminated by making just a few small changes to our communal norms. The biggest change we need is to stop eliminating the opportunities for singles to meet naturally. Singles events are a great idea. But having a shadchan at the event makes no sense. If the idea of the event is to meet the singles who are there, why take people away from that and have them spend time with a matchmaker? Shabbat meals at people’s homes should be coed so that men and women can talk to each other in a more natural setting. If men and women could sit together at weddings and other events they would find even more opportunities to meet the right person. Weddings are especially great opportunities since guests are dressed up and looking their best. And while many may think this is inappropriate, there are many respected Rabbis who have permitted mixed seating at weddings.
We need to eliminate the pressure of conformity and be open to thinking outside of the norms. Rather than looking at someone’s life situation over which they had no control, look at how they deal with their circumstances. If someone has a parent or sibling with special needs or handicaps, look at how that person treats their family member. Look at how they interact with others who are different from them and how kind they are to others. Parents should observe how this potential match treats their adult child, as well as the rest of the family, rather than how they look and what their family background happens to be.
Life can be interesting and fun. If we avoid unnecessary blinders, our future as a community will look brighter as we build generations through beautiful marriages. As a community we need to allow the process of meeting others to happen in a variety of ways. God created so many beautiful human beings with different backgrounds and personalities. Being open minded and considering the idea of meeting people outside of one’s immediate community will enable singles to find peace and happiness in healthy relationships.
Wishing everyone great success in dating, planning weddings, building families and achieving their goals in life.
Perhaps the “shidduch crisis” could be eliminated by making just a few small changes to our communal norms.
Related Articles
Related
Is it OK to Pray at a Grave?
“I am going to the grave of Rabbi Meir the miracle worker, to pray that I find my lost wedding ring.” “I am going to the Amuka, the grave of Yonatan Ben Uzi’el, to pray for a shidduch (marriage partner).” “I am going to visit the grave of Rabbi Gedalya Moshe of...
You Can Eat It, But Is It Actually Food?
We thought we were eating food when we really weren’t. According to Google, food is defined as “any nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or plants absorb in order to maintain life and growth.” Typical American snack food like potato chips, soda,...
Making Our Celebrations Less Stressful and More Meaningful
Celebrations (smachot) highlight happy occasions and milestones such as Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings. They are special times we look forward to with great anticipation for many years. Over the last few decades, however, both making a simcha (celebratory occasion)...