Ruti’s Remedies

Dear Empty Nester,

Which parents of adult children can’t identify with you?! I think your concerns resonate with most parents. We had this illusion that our children would grow up thinking as we did, continuing their lives in the manner we modeled for them. (And, of course, they were never going to move more than a short walk away — right? — so the grandkids could come and visit regularly…) As we learn, much to our surprise, we brought up children who became fully-independent adults with their own challenges, goals, and often very different ideas.

While we can (and should) be proud of them for their independence and commitment to “adulting,” serious differences in things such as politics, religion and even child-rearing philosophies can be very unsettling. We have to make conscious decisions about how we will behave when we are together. While we and our children should keep this in mind, as the parent, you are still in the position to model appropriate behavior.

As you determine your behavior — the only thing you can control — decide what exactly are your goals. I am assuming that drama is not what you want. If it were, you would simply share your distaste and disappointment with them, perhaps with lots of sarcasm, yelling, crying and name-calling worthy of a TV sitcom.

We forget that we can treat our adult children, not as extensions of ourselves, but with the same respect we would treat our peers in a similar situation. Here are a few tips to consider:

1. Treat your adult children as adults. When we meet with friends with whom we differ politically, we can sidestep acrimonious discussions by allowing that “a v’ha havay” — both are right. Each political side has its points. As much as we may think we are right, it is worth assuming that there is a logical foundation for the other side. Modeling polite, respectful debate helps our adult children (and their children) learn that there are two sides to any discussion, and that we are big enough and self-assured enough to listen to another point of view. Ask your children if they are comfortable being challenged on certain aspects of their ideas. You may discover that they are happy to discuss the topic. Then, be sure to listen calmly to their side. You may find that this leads them to being open to hearing and appreciating your opinion. At some point, politely “agreeing to disagree” can diffuse potential fire fights.

2. Hang up your child-rearing spurs. Differences of opinion between us and our children about how to bring up our grandchildren are a bit more challenging. You don’t mention this issue, but it bears thinking about in advance. If you want to be permitted to spend time with your grandchildren, it pays to “bite the tongue and sit on the hands” rather than criticizing the young parental team’s compromises with their (probably) different upbringings and approaches to educating children. A discreet show of concern — if warranted — is fine. But, again, remember to approach the issue, not as the all-seeing and all-powerful Mommy or Daddy, but the way you might caution a peer. This isn’t about you. It’s now all about what your child and their spouse want for the future of their children.

3. Cope like a grownup with vast theological differences of opinion. The most difficult line to cross or not cross regards religion. This can be very painful, perhaps especially for Jews, who always justifiably fear the quiet annihilation of our people, our culture, and our attachment to God. And this is where it is wise and often beneficial to be accepting with reservation. Think about a time when you ever saw rejection, anger and disappointment draw someone closer. If you cannot think of such an occurrence, understand that this approach only creates pain and distance. While it is always fair to politely share your own feelings, forcing them down your adult children’s throats — especially at their Shabbat table — will not change them, nor bring them back to observance. While there are no guarantees regarding this in any case, respectful acceptance of their right to choose their own path offers a chance for continued closeness. It also affords you the opportunity to ask them to continue to respect your way of observance when you are around them. Cheerfully continuing to be yourself around your children and grandchildren (without any manipulative intent) can go a long way to reminding them of what is sweet about the religion of their youth.

4. Focus on the things you like about your kids. In all of the above cases, there is value in setting your parental ego aside, taking a step back, and viewing your progeny in a more detached manner. Apart from not agreeing with you, can you still see the fine midot (character qualities) they display? Are they decent human beings? Are they the rational thinkers you hoped they would be, even if that thinking took them in a different direction? Can you still love, like and admire them, even while you disagree? There is much power in modeling respect rather than showing rancor. Grabbing what nachas (parental pride) you can show your adult children that you respect them and value them. If there is a door through which they may someday return to your ways of seeing the world, it is through respectful discussion rather than anger or sorrow.

These are very difficult problems. But remember that the work you can do starts with the only things you can control: how you behave, how you continue to share your values without holding their choices in contempt. Certainly, Shabbat and Jewish holidays deserve that gentle, joyful atmosphere. Don’t give up, on yourself or on your children. You are all still evolving. You can do this! Show them that world peace starts at the Shabbat table.

All the best,

Ruti

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