Ruti’s Remedies

Dear GG,

This has to do with all the times someone has something we don’t have. It’s not just about holidays. It’s about coveting.

There’s a great conversation in Stephen Spielberg’s new film The Fabelmans. As the dad is driving his young family through the neighborhood back to their home, he comments on the Christmas lights on so many houses. 

Burt Fabelman: The lights change how everything looks. It’s hard to find our house.

Young Sammy Fabelman: Ours is the dark house with no lights.

There are (at least) two problems here: fear, and the desire to have what others have.

We Jews tend to live in fear of others persuading our children, with their lights, colors, presents, and fun, or with a seemingly more spiritual or easier path to God, to swap religions. Too often, we allow our Judaism to be overshadowed by the religious practices of others. Or we inadvertently model for our children wanting what others have, assuming the grass to be greener and the trees more colorful on the other side of the street.

For many, the “answer” is to dress Chanukah up like Christmas. It’s a sad effort, as blue and white are still not as enticing to young eyes as all the colors that pop up during the non-Jewish holidays. And even if we take on others’ customs and try to one-up them by giving presents all eight days, our kids can see through the ruse. (Besides, if you are blessed with multiple sets of wide-eyed little wonders, this bribery can get expensive!)

In our effort to persuade our kids that we’re just as cool and fun as the Joneses, we’re in danger of forgetting to teach them the power and beauty of our own holiday. What child doesn’t love a story of the small band of warriors defeating the more powerful army? What child doesn’t marvel at the story, well told around the glowing Chanukah candles, about the tiny cruse of oil that mystically managed to stay lit until more oil could be acquired?

There is nothing wrong with answering our children’s questions about the practices of the neighbors living around us. We can teach them respect for the beliefs of others without sending a message of our fear that they will rush out of our houses to take on the adventures of others. For example, we can explain that Santa is a tool used by Christians to help their children understand the concept of giving. And then we can ask our clever young children to remind us of all the ways Judaism teaches that very concept. We can help them to devise fun and very Jewish ways to be charitable to others.

Chanukah can include small habits that grow into big memories. Children love choosing or making and lighting their own menorahs. They love playing games with their parents, and you can come up with dreidel games to keep them interested. They enjoy stories that are pulled out and dusted off just for the holiday, whether written by others or made up by their marvelous parents. What they love most is time with you and attention from you. That is worth more than lots of presents, from a little fat stranger, piled under a tree.

GG, I believe you can tap into all there is to love about our own winter holidays. Take your children for a drive and enjoy the lights together. Then go home and make delicious latkes and jelly donuts, and joke together as you guide them to set up their menorahs about how grateful we are not to have to eat fruitcake. You can make Chanukah the most delightful adventure on the block.

All the best,

Ruti

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