Ruti’s Remedies

Dear Truth,

Bringing up future adults is the hardest job on the planet. We want them to trust us, and we want to trust them. But their brain cells are not all hooked up yet, and we parents certainly have our baggage and drama we bring to every event. So mutual trust takes a lot of work and adaptation.

There is also the definition of “honest” that must be decided and agreed upon. Do we really want to know everything? Do we truly expect our children to tell us every detail, every experience? We may glibly say, “Of course! They shouldn’t hide anything from us!” If we think this way, we may have forgotten our own youthful exploits. There are usually a few things we are glad our aged parents — if we are lucky enough still to have them in the world — don’t know about their “angels.”

This said, you were pretty specific in your letter. It is clear that what worries you is protecting your children from actual danger or harm. While you cannot be everywhere they are at all times — as much as you might like to be — you can guide them in making good choices to prevent getting into serious trouble. And you can give them a sense of a “safety net” when they step too far out on a limb. All of this takes prior planning, and starts when they are small (though it’s never too late to build this bridge). Here are a few pointers:

1. Don’t talk down to kids. They can often surprise us with their perceptiveness and strength. If you are “straight” with your kids about issues (even as you carefully choose how much information they need about a given subject), they will be more likely to be receptive. Just like adults, children appreciate when you speak clearly to them, when you take them into your confidence.

2. Be honest with them. Kids are the great Hypocrisy Detectors. The second they catch you in a lie, you will have to renegotiate your relative positions regarding truth-telling.

3. Be consistent. If they are given a pass one time but another time are punished, confusion reigns, and they will tend to protect themselves by hiding information. Children need the secure feeling that comes with knowing what to expect, if not from the bewildering world, at least from the people entrusted with the task of protecting and guiding them. That said…

4. Know when to moderate punishment. There are times when the choices your child makes will end up teaching him the lesson your lecture or grounding might have aimed to teach. Verbally acknowledge when they have punished themselves, and that no additional penance is necessary. This, too, builds respect, not only for your relationship, but for consequences.

5. Set clear parameters ahead of time. However much they may complain, kids appreciate knowing where the boundaries are. “We don’t believe in stealing, ever.” “Mom and Dad never drink and drive, and we don’t want you to, either. And never get into a car with someone who has been drinking.” Let them know what you expect, what would disappoint you, what are your “red lines.” However: Make it clear that you will always be there for them. You may be disappointed or even angry. But they never need to fear that your disapproval will result in abandonment. Knowing this promotes honesty.

6. Resist the temptation to punish immediately. This is difficult, but it may work advantageously for parents and children. You will have some time to cool off, which helps you to approach the problem with reason rather than rage. And your child will have some time to think about the situation, a process needed whenever we make mistakes throughout life. Some families set up a “safe zone” where teenage children know that when they are in trouble, lectures and consequences will be discussed only after a certain number of hours have passed, taking away some of the fear factor involved. 

7. Set up clear steps at appropriate times. There is no reason to walk your 4-year-old through drinking-and-driving scenarios. There are plenty of other things to teach at that age, such as whose car they should enter and which adults to contact in scary situations. But your 12-year-old should certainly know about how to judge social situations that might require a trusted adult to rescue them. These age choices are relative. As you build trust with your own children, you are in the best position to know how much to tell them at any given stage of their lives.

8. Don’t let them down. Once you have established “when to call home” rules, follow through. If you’ve told your 16-year-old to call if she’s been drinking with friends and is in danger of being driven home by a drunk teenager, don’t let anything get in the way of rescuing her. Drop everything and go! Save the lecture for when she’s safely home and sober.

Your kids are going to talk to someone when they are in crisis. Try your best to make that someone you. By being a supportive and helpful sounding board, you create a safe place for your children while they deal with the minefields of growing up.

The bottom line is that “the whole truth” is probably something you will never get from your children, any more than they are likely to hear all of your truths. But assuring our children that we are there for them, that we can navigate the bumpy roads of their childhood and adolescence together — this is something you not only can but must do.

I know that you’re up for the task, Truth.

All the best,

Ruti

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