Making Our Celebrations Less Stressful and More Meaningful

Peer pressure plays way too prominent a role for those who are hosting a simcha. The feeling that one must “keep up with the Cohens” has caused many to make their weddings and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs in a style that they cannot afford. Unfortunately this trend has long-term ramifications for the family, including bankruptcy and health issues resulting from the stress. But it does not have to be this way. These milestone events can be beautiful and memorable no matter how small or large the number of guests is and no matter how simple or fancy the occasion becomes. Having quality music does not mean that one has to hire a huge orchestra. An open bar is not a necessity and can not only be very expensive, but can actually be harmful to guests as alcoholism is an increasing problem in our communities. Many of the pricier items needed for these events, including wedding and bridal party dresses can be borrowed or rented from  “gemachs” (people or organizations that lend items for special occasions). 

If we could get rid of the negative stigma associated with families of limited income making a simpler occasion, we would open the door for this much needed change. But it cannot happen on its own. We must be courageous enough to go against the popular trends, and take the lead in setting a new standard. 

Another issue which causes distress during smachot is the excessively loud music. People are sustaining hearing damage and many guests are miserable during the event. If guests who are not dancing cannot have a conversation because of the deafening music, there is a serious problem. And it is not just the guests – there are stories about bands refusing to turn down the volume until a host threatens to reduce their payment. Some people bring earplugs to weddings. Music can be beautiful and it makes a huge difference in the level of a celebration, but it does not have to be played at deafening levels.

Small changes can make a big difference, and this is one area where such change can vastly improve the experience of guests.

When it comes to dancing, care should be taken to make sure that there is adequate space on the dance floor for both the men’s and the women’s sides. If you are using a mechitza (separation) on the dance floor, be sure to allow room for that as well. It diminishes the enjoyment of the event when one is injured while dancing due to a lack of space. 

Although it has become de rigueur in many circles to have separate seating for the dinner, according to many halachic opinions, there is no requirement to do so. Consider having coed seating for the dinner so that husbands and wives can have quality time together and singles can meet one another in a natural way. Some people like to have open seating so that their guests can sit with their families and friends more easily, and those who wish to separate according to gender may do so.

When planning a wedding ceremony, consider the starting time and length of the program. Be organized about every person’s role in the ceremony and the order of their appearances. When people travel long distances to attend a wedding and need to get back home to work the next day, they may not be able to stay for the dinner if the ceremony is too long and they will not have time to celebrate with the hosts and bride and groom. 

If you have the caterer delay serving dessert for too long, you will find that your guests will need to leave before this happens and all the money spent on a lavish dessert buffet and a wedding or Bar/Bat Mitzvah cake will be wasted. Serve it earlier and allow people time to enjoy it.