Is Self-Care Self-ish?

Mar 1, 2022 | Aging Gracefully, Mind & Body

Written by Miryam Levine, CRN, CCM

When you were a child, were you ever told that you were “selfish”, especially by an older relative? Regardless of the circumstances that prompted that remark, chances are your reaction was a feeling of hurt, denial, righteous indignation, a sense of betrayal and/or downright anger. Maybe it was something else, but that accusation and the long lecture that followed, probably stuck with you for a very long time. Maybe it still does. Many of us live most of our lives with this little voice in our heads telling us that anything we do for ourselves is being selfish and taking attention away from something deemed more important. The definition of selfish is: lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. This is the major take-away message that we internalized from a very young age and continue to scold ourselves with until our last breath.

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am (only) for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Pirkei Avot, Chapter 1 v. 14)

Unfortunately, the term, “self-care” has become synonymous in our minds with “selfish”. But nothing could be farther from the truth, self-care is not selfish. Rather, it relates to self-love or self-kindness (if you’re not quite ready for love yet), which is something all of us need. Loving one’s self has erroneously been thought to equal egocentric, obsessive narcissistic thoughts and behaviors, exclusive of anyone else. Thankfully, modern psychiatry and psychology have come a long way in recognizing that far too few of us are kind to (or love) ourselves enough!   

Lack of self-care can lead to illness and disease. According to the International Self-Care Foundation, self-care means taking all the steps you can to take care of your physical health and well-being, including hygiene, nutrition, managing stressors, and seeking medical care if needed. While this is a good clinical perspective, self-care is so much more. 

If you were to google “self-care” you’d come upon thousands of articles addressing the need for young adults in the throes of working and raising children to carve out time for themselves. Today it is understood that the pressures of schedules, children, bills, and creating a home put such stress on parents, that self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. Unfortunately, this leaves many older people feeling like this isn’t something that applies to them, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

This article is for the older, over-60 woman, who may or may not still be working, have no children or none at home, may be single, or living alone for any reason. She may be dependent on a fixed pensioner allowance or Social Security. She’s become “friends” with an array of doctors and healthcare professionals, more than she’d like to acknowledge. She’s stressed about paying bills, buying food and medicine, and other necessities of living. She’s worked hard all her life regardless of her career and is a pretty savvy consumer of “medium (as opposed to) high tech”. 

Now she is experiencing the almost continuous grief of her peers, friends, former schoolmates, celebrities and other loved ones passing away. This lovely soul may be alone and lonely with limited contact with friends or family. Yes, this is a gloomy, depressing picture – to illustrate a point. Self-care is a necessity for health and vitality no matter what stage of life you are in. 

And the earlier it is begun, the better the outcome.

For the more mature person, creating time for oneself is not usually the issue – there’s often so much time that she faces boredom, and the idea of “self-care” may seem silly. For the older person it’s not about time, per se, it’s about doing things that make sure all those other needs are being met. Needs such as love and connection, exercise, creating beauty, feeling needed, etc. While carving out time is not an issue, the bigger question is does she have the will, motivation, koach (strength) and capacity? While finances may also be a concern, self-care/love/kindness need not cost much, if anything at all, but will make a world of difference in your quality of life. 

Here are seven simple things you can do to start being kind to yourself.

 

Mirror work

Loving yourself is the first step in having a quality of life, and you’re never too old to start. 

Smile. Practice smiling at your reflection. If it’s hard to do, think of it as facial exercises. Keep practicing until it becomes easier and your beautiful smile feels genuine. The next time you see someone, give them the gift of your lovely smile and you will both be lifted in spirits.

Speak to the eyes that are looking at you in the mirror (please fight the urge to make silly faces at yourself, well, maybe that’s ok). Say to the eyes, “The spark of God lives in your soul. You are a reflection of God”. “You are worthy”. “I love you”.  

Change the pronouns! When you get comfortable saying this sincerely to your image, say them again except change the “you” or “your” to either “I”, “me” or “my” as grammatically appropriate. This is hard but very important.

Take time to breathe

Sit in a comfortable chair. Take a deep breath in, slowly like you are smelling your favorite fragrance (flower, perfume, fresh challah, etc). Now breathe out like you’re blowing out birthday candles or on a spoon of hot soup! Do this for a few repetitions and you begin to feel relaxed. You can close your eyes.

Visualize!

Do you have fond memories of a special place,

people, children, pets, a positive childhood experience, romantic encounter, your “happy place”? When you are relaxed, this is the ideal time to quietly and gently bring this memory forward and start to visualize the scene in vivid detail. Notice people around you, or background sights and sounds. Are you indoors or out? Is the sun shining or is there a moon and starlight? Is there rain or are you by water? How does it smell? See in your mind as if you are right there seeing with your eyes. Look at your hands, your feet, the person near you. This is not meant to be stressful, only pleasant and the experience may cause tears to come, but they should be tears of joy. If you find yourself in an unpleasant memory, gently open your eyes and breathe slowly until you begin to feel better. Try again at another session and concentrate on a happier memory. 

See the beauty

Take a walk on the beach, visit the mountains, take time to appreciate the beauty in nature – it’s revitalizing and doesn’t cost anything.

Take care of yourself

If a hairdo or manicure isn’t something that brings you pleasure or that you can afford, get dressed, wear some perfume…

Connect with others

If going out to lunch once a week isn’t in your budget, invite a friend over for coffee and a pastry. Take time to enjoy the presence of another person. Don’t spend all your time alone.

Move

Depending on how mobile or fit you are this will look different – armchair yoga, dancing to some music, etc.

There are many other small things we can do for ourselves to help our own well-being. This positive affirmation was recently seen in The Daily Kind by Orly Wahba.

  “I take time to focus on my own life and relax. I won’t let the stresses of outside influences interfere with my well being!” 

Taking a short amount of pleasant focused time for you everyday can do amazing things for your overall health and well-being. Self-esteem, self-love, self-kindness or self-care, fills up your tank, honey, so you can go anywhere and do anything your imagination can take you, and you are never too old for that! 

  

For the older person it’s not about time, per se, it’s about doing things that make sure all those other needs are being met.

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