At the Cross-Section of Neurodiversity and LGBTQIA

Most autistic people want to be called “autistic people” and not “people with autism.” They prefer “is autistic” to “has autism.” Recent research shows that 80% of this population prefers this change in language. It’s so fascinating what you can find out when you get curious and start asking questions.

It was thought for a long time that autists wouldn’t find love, that they weren’t even interested. As it turns out, many do want love, and that love is often outside of conventional standards. 70-80% of those identified as neurodivergent also identify as queer. 

Neurodiversity is diversity in human minds. It’s also a whole crate of alphabet soup. Per the Oxford Dictionary, neurodivergence is “differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical or normal, (frequently used with reference to autistic spectrum disorders); not neurotypical.” Neurodivergent refers to the individual whereas neurodiverse refers to the population. 

Sometimes these terms carry an emotional charge not actually related to the term, and that can be triggering for people affected. Queer, so recently an insult, has been reclaimed as the generic word to include anyone who is not heterosexual or cis-gendered. Cis-gender means that a person identifies with their sex at birth and trans-gender means that a person feels they were born in the wrong body. The vocabulary alone can be quite a rabbit hole. 

Those are all boxes and labels. Much like the race boxes to be ticked off at the doctor’s office, many people no longer fit into one box or another. And according to research, the neurodiverse are eight times more likely to feel they were born into the wrong biological sex as compared to those who are neurotypical.

Why does this matter to me?

This matters to you because whether you realize it or not, you know someone who is neurodivergent. It is estimated that 30-40% of the population is neurodiverse. Those who are neurodivergent have an increased risk for suicide – three times the risk. About 75% of those who are neurodivergent are also queer and those who are queer have an increased risk for suicide – five times the risk.

This is the definition of Pikuach Nefesh–literally translated as “watching over a soul.” This Jewish principle values human life over most commandments. The Torah demands that we show kindness and acceptance to preserve a life.

Each person sent here by Hashem was sent here for a purpose and with an inherent value. Nobody can look at another person and ascertain the value that Hashem has given them. Each child is their own weird and beautiful flower, growing toward the sun. As part of the village, we are the soil in this metaphor. The rest of the world sends the wind and the rain. It’s the community, the family that is the soil, always there protecting its roots, providing nourishment and support. Acceptance is that nourishment and every child needs it in order to grow into their full potential. 

Living on the Spectrums

Sexuality and gender can each be seen as a spectrum; some people can fall within definitive categories with respect to their romantic preferences and how they present themselves to the world. Many others fall along a continuum, dressing more feminine one day and more masculine the next, or being mainly attracted to one gender but occasionally finding romantic interest in the other gender. Living within this 

Why does this cross-section exist?

1. Diversity of minds

The human mind is a fascinating place. The more it’s studied, the more it looks like a diverse garden of thought, streams of consciousness going each and every direction, synapses firing, connecting, and breaking. Each and every human mind is a firestorm of activity, but some are more inclined to see societal rules as firm and unbending, while others see these divides as more of a suggestion–or even just the facts regarding  someone else’s life.

The autistic mind is less influenced by societal expectations. Logan, a nonbinary and autistic friend relayed that this lack of social filter can lead to a more authentic expression of self, albeit one that falls outside of expected norms. Gender roles are just seen as roles that need filling, jobs that need doing, arbitrarily assigned and completely fluid.

While social boundaries can shift, internal boundaries may be much more rigid. Bobbie, early childhood educator and mother of a nine-year-old autistic son, says that she has noticed significant internal rigidity in her son. While he doesn’t give much attention to societal expectations, the expectations he creates for himself are inflexible. If he sets a goal for himself and doesn’t meet that goal, he is devastated.

2. Biology

There may or may not be a direct biological link between autism and gender experience. It’s thought that exposure to elevated testosterone in the womb could contribute to either gender and sexual identity or autism–or both. The research is torn and ongoing.

It seems like the more questions are asked, the more questions pop up. These social and biological factors may combine along with genetic predisposition, environmental factors, and social-psychological factors. There are most likely many other factors not yet discovered.

Gender nonconformity

Adam, of first human fame, was created from the earth. Adam was made from the earth and was less a man in the definition of the word “man” as much as an “earth creature,” perhaps a more straightforward translation than the Christian “man,”“woman,” “rib,” “apple” situation that seeped into Jewish understanding upon exposure to Christian thought. Daniela Weiss-Bronstein, sexologist and social worker says that

it is exposure to Christian thought that may account for some of the current rigidity in the Jewish world.

In the second story of creation, in Bereishit (Genesis), there is a series of creations: light and dark, seas and dry land, land creatures and sea creatures. These can be seen as binaries, but upon closer consideration, all examples are spectrums. The light and dark bleed into each other in cycles. The sea caresses the sand along the shore, and many creatures live both on land and in water. This immediately precedes the line:

Hashem created the human in Hashem’s own image, in the image of Hashem s/he created him; male and female Hashem created them.

It begs the question: Are masculine and feminine mutually exclusive?

The answer would seem to be, “no”. Alice is mom to Nina, 11 years old. Nina has always said that she was different, but over time her self-assessment has become more specific. She was diagnosed at 5 years old with autism. She prefers to wear boys’ clothing and likes her hair cut short. She also likes her name and says she likes being a girl. Nina currently finds girls romantically interesting, not boys, but also says she is young and will figure things out as she grows. Alice has expressed to Nina that she is in a safe place, that she can always be herself and have her parents’ support.

Rocks in the Road

Daniela Weiss-Bronstein works at the intersection of “halacha, hashkafa, and societal values”. Daniela was recently featured on the podcast Intimate Judaism on the topic of trans, non-binary, and Orthodox Judaism. She says that when a young man comes to his rabbi and says, “I’m gay” or “I’m transgender,” he is looking for connection and support. He is scared. He wants to be told, “It’s going to be ok.” 

He is so afraid that he no longer fits into a relationship with his Judaism, that he is unacceptable. There were many panicked moments that led to this one. This is an expression of self, not an attempt to make anyone’s life uncomfortable. 

Daniela states further that this community member is coming to their religious leader for support within the traditions of that shul. There are many places offering relative safety and comfort, but he is making himself vulnerable to try and create a space that honors the mitzvot.

“When someone is becoming more religious, we celebrate every mitzvah they do and we don’t