Enhance the Dance
Written by Chaya Heuberger, LCSW
Between April 11 and June 1 of 2022, the world seemed to watch with rapt attention as the Depp v. Heard defamation trial took place. People on social media seemed to be captivated. What was it about this trial that affected those watching so deeply, almost personally?
There were many opinions put forth regarding this phenomenon. Explanations ranged from what was described as “voyeuristic Americans” to applause for the new, desperately needed representation of male domestic violence victims; right-wing advocates cheered for the end of the #MeToo movement. There were those that brushed it off as simple Hollywood entertainment with others purporting the case reflected so many relationship issues that many have struggled with but never had the opportunity to share.
On a raw human level, situations like these tend to evoke strong feelings in their viewers. The reason for this is multifold. Its triggering potential is high; it can mirror seemingly small but significant aspects of our own important relationships, behavioral tendencies within these relationships, and, most of all, our own patterns and relationship dynamics, even if there are only slight similarities.
It’s easy to get caught up in fanatical side-taking, analyzing each party individually, falling anywhere on a long spectrum from understanding to judging, shaming and blaming. One of the most vital things we can learn from this whole affair from a relational perspective is the enormous role the dynamic between two people plays in a significant relationship.
As a couples therapist who practices using EFT- informed (Emotionally Focused Therapy, not to
be confused with EFT Tapping i.e. Emotional Freedom Technique) and other attachment-based modalities, this was the crucial piece to me. Obviously, in every relationship each party enters with their own struggles, but the third party that cannot be ignored is the dynamic that evolves between the two parties. Emotionally focused therapy was a theory first introduced by Dr Sue Johnson, a British clinical psychologist, in the 1980s. Since then, its efficacy has been proven time and again through empirical research and actual practice.
EFT is based on the idea that “just as predicted by attachment science, constant contact with a loving, responsive partner is… powerful” (Love Sense, 2013). What EFT aims to achieve is to conceptualize the negative, rigid patterns that have developed between two partners. What EFT techniques essentially create is a language for healthy dependency between partners by looking at key moves and moments that define their unique relationship. The primary goal of the model is to expand and reorganize the emotional responses of the couple to one another.
Dr. Johnson refers to these interaction patterns as the “cycle” the couple has fallen victim to. Her idea is to teach couples that the enemy is not each other, but rather, it is the cycle they have unwittingly created and gotten stuck in. She compares the cycle to a dance.
The dance in this context is more specifically described as the “EFT Tango”. Like all dances, the EFT Tango requires the couple to become dance partners. Dance, most plainly defined as rhythmic movement to music, expects each set of dance partners to learn the steps, be attuned to one another, and be both physically and emotionally present to be successful. In dance, each step that one partner takes directly impacts the next step the other partner takes and continues as such through the entire dance. “Both people have to grasp how the moves of each partner pull the other into the dance” (Love Sense, 2013). Most couples are unaware of their position in the dance and so each continues to do what they have always done, not realizing the consequences on their partner and on the dance as a whole.
In the EFT Tango, the conflict between the couple is their current (flawed) dance. It is a self-perpetuating cycle they can’t seem to get out of. EFT works to make meaning of this dance, to identify the steps that aren’t working by teaching attunement, and by creating new music to a new (safe and secure) dance based on emotional responsiveness. Working through the steps of the EFT Tango allows for disengaging from the old, painful dance and, as a couple, creating a new, rewarding one. Although there is no injury-proof dance – no conflict-free relationship – “you can dance together with more verve and panache if you know you can recover when you step on each other’s toes” (Hold Me Tight, 2008).
One of the most vital things we can learn from this whole affair from a relational perspective is the enormous role the dynamic between two people plays in a significant relationship.
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