Shabbat Meal Etiquette – Tactful Strategies To Avoid Uncomfortable Situations

It is important to realize that none of us will ever be a perfect host or a perfect guest, since perfection does not exist for humans. Sometimes there are difficult situations going on in the life of a host or guest that have nothing to do with being together. We cannot know and we certainly cannot control the mindset of someone who comes to our Shabbat table. The best we can do is to be kind and understanding to others, no matter how we are feeling about being with them.

While preparing the food for a Shabbat meal is important, there is so much more that goes on when deciding whether to have guests and whom to invite. Those who are guests have to decide if they are willing to make the effort to come to another home and socialize with the hosts and any other guests. Keeping in mind the needs of others and how people will get along together are very important in the planning. If you are planning to host more than one person or more than one family, think about what the conversations will be like and if the guests will relate well to one another. Hosting several guests who are all shy can make for a very quiet meal. Strive for a combination of personalities to keep the conversation flowing.

Timing is very important when it comes to Shabbat meals. Be sure your guests know what time you are expecting them. As a guest, if you are invited to a home at a certain time, plan to attend a shul that is close enough for you to arrive on time. There can be unforeseen circumstances that can cause someone to be late. As a host, it is important to not keep the rest of the group waiting when someone is running late. Have extra supplies for kiddush and hamotzi for latecomers so that no one has to wait for an extensively long period of time. Regarding kiddush, not everyone can drink wine. You do not know who might be a recovering alcoholic or perhaps a family has young children and they do not want them to have kiddush wine. Having grape juice available is essential. When making kiddush, do not drink from the kiddush cup and then start pouring for others. Pour for yourself in a separate cup and then pour for others. No one wants your germs!

If you are serving an appetizer, be careful not to drag out this course for too long. Not everyone will like the appetizer and people are hungry for the meal. If they fill up on challah, you may end up with a lot of unwanted leftovers from the meal.

When seating people at the table, be cognizant of the needs of a larger size guest. You may be meeting a guest for the first time and not know what they look like, so be prepared to have to adjust where you will put people. If someone is of larger build, be careful not to put them in a small space between two others. Adjust the seating so that there is adequate room for everyone and the larger size person does not feel embarrassed. 

Having water available at the beginning of the meal is healthy and also very important. One may swallow something too quickly or suddenly have a dry throat.

As a guest, do not expect your host to read your mind. If you have food issues or dietary restrictions, let your host know ahead of time. Hosts should ask if there are allergies or food restrictions, but they may not remember to do that. Many guests refrain from telling their hosts about their food needs because they don’t want to be a burden, but many hosts find it more of a burden to watch their guest have nothing to eat when they could have easily accommodated their needs. As a host, respecting your guests’ dietary needs is important. Knowing that anything too spicy will send me into a heartburn attack, I tell hosts in advance not to be insulted if I do not eat everything they serve. To urge me to eat something that is not too spicy for you or for someone else, but is too spicy for me is not helpful. If a guest has any kind of health condition, respect their boundaries. Someone who is gluten-free needs to be aware of which foods have gluten and which foods they can eat. If your guest is a vegetarian or vegan, it’s fine to ask them if they have a preferred protein source, but be careful not to challenge them, as it automatically starts the meal off on the wrong foot. Do not ask anyone to justify their food choices. Rather, focus on their company and allow them to eat what works for them.

Awareness of pets in a house is crucial. If a guest is allergic to dogs or cats and you have one or both of these in your home, it is important to let the guest know ahead of time so they can choose to decline the invitation if it will be a problem for them. This also applies to a prospective guest who is afraid of dogs. If you have a dog that likes to jump on everyone, it is important to let the guest know so they can decide whether or not they want to come, or if you are able to sequester the dog for the duration of the meal.