Ruti’s Remedies

Dear Seattle (because you’re clearly not Hopeless, or you wouldn’t be writing),

Short of losing our children to untimely death, God forbid, it is hard to imagine much that is more painful than losing all contact with them. This can happen for any number of reasons, many completely out of the parent’s control. But sometimes there is hope of reconciliation.

Many parents fall into the two traps you mention. One easy parenting mistake, caused by our own desire to fit in with the culture and customs of those we respect, is to try to force our kids to “be like everyone else.” When we are gifted with unique children who simply don’t fit easily into others’ ideas of what is acceptable, making our “square pegs fit into round holes” can be hard on our children, on us, and on our future friendship with their adult selves. Trying too hard can drive them away by causing them to feel unseen for who they are, for their special contributions to the world. Coming from a parent, that can feel like betrayal.

Another trap parents fall into comes from a misplaced idea of what love looks like. We want our children to be happy. We want them to like and love us. Perhaps we wish to undo the overly-strict upbringing we received from our parents. We sometimes think that the path to happiness and love comes without boundaries and rules. But children feel happiest and safest with healthy boundaries. And even though they will often tell you that your rules are unfair, if you structure those rules from a position of love and respect rather than punishment or a need to control others, the rules can give them the safety net they need to navigate their way to adulthood.

Five of the hardest words to say to anyone are: “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Yet these words have the power to heal broken hearts and repair relationships.

This seems unlikely to the one who must choose whether or not to say them. After all, it is very hard to face our mistakes, and even harder to admit them out loud. But as we know from our Jewish teachings, the idea of teshuva, of righting wrongs, begins with owning our mistakes. You have already taken the first step. You understand that — like nearly all of us — you made some parenting mistakes. The next step is sharing that newfound wisdom with your adult children.

Perhaps you believe that apologizing for your parenting mistakes will diminish you somehow, in their eyes and yours. Quite the contrary! Having the courage to admit our errors aloud actually raises us up, makes us at least equal once again with those we may have wronged. With our acknowledgement of our failings, we have the power to level the playing field and to look ourselves and others in the eye. No one is without failings. Too few have the courage to admit their own.

Perhaps you are afraid your children won’t accept your apology. You may be right: their forgiveness is entirely out of your control. But we can hope and pray that there was enough that was nourishing in your upbringing of your children that they will also want to rebuild the relationship. Modeling how to admit mistakes and how to apologize can go a long way toward creating a brand-new bridge between you and your kids.

Whenever other people are involved, we can only control our half of the equation. There are no guarantees that an apology and explanation will bring your kids back to you. But not trying to reach out, humbly and with love, guarantees that you will continue to miss out on contact with them and their children.

You are worth the risk, Seattle. You have my prayers for success.

All the best,

Ruti

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