We Asked the Rabbi

Question:

I’m married with children and live an Orthodox Jewish life, but I have a very mixed family. Some parts of my family are more observant, some less, while two of my siblings are married to non-Jews. Still, I endeavor to get my family together for a meal over Yom Tov as I feel that this can be a great opportunity to connect and may also serve to inspire those who are less observant. However, I recall learning somewhere that there is a problem cooking food on Yom Tov for someone non-Jewish. Is this true? What is the basis for this rule? And can it be overcome in my situation?

Response:

Thank you so much for your question, and it sounds like you are doing an awesome job in strengthening your family bonds and providing them with an opportunity to experience a Yom Tov meal in your home! Still, you do raise an interesting question because you are correct that there is a rule about cooking food on Yom Tov for someone non-Jewish.

As you likely know, there is a difference between Shabbat and Yom Tov whereas, inasmuch as it is forbidden to cook on Shabbat, it is permitted to cook on Yom Tov. Still, this permission is somewhat conditional, and while cooking is permitted on Yom Tov, it is only for the needs of Yom Tov. Given this, our Rabbis ruled (see Beitzah 21b as explained by Ran) that while we may host non-Jews for a meal on Shabbat, one should not host non-Jews for a meal on Yom Tov given the possibility that one might come to cook a special dish for them on Yom Tov.

Of course, a simple workaround is to prepare all your necessary dishes before Yom Tov, but while some commentaries initially offer this as a suggestion (see for example Magen Avraham on Orach Chaim 512), they seem to still find this problematic due to the specific invitation being offered.

However, I think that in your situation and presuming you won’t need to cook any special dish over Yom Tov (nb. as with all meals where guests are involved, it is always advisable to check if anyone has any food allergies or food dislikes ahead of time to avoid surprises or awkward situations), this problem is surmountable for two reasons. Firstly, you are inviting your sibling’s respective spouses as an extension of them, and secondly, you are doing this for the sake of strengthening family bonds (shalom bayit) and for the sake of encouraging and inspiring greater religious identification and observance (kiruv rechokim) among members of your family.

Wishing you a wonderful Yom Tov!

Question:

My husband and I suffer from the physical limitations that we are expected to keep while in a state of Niddah. We feel distant from each other and it affects our mental state. Are there circumstances where non-sexual touch, such as holding hands or a hug, can be allowed during this period of time?

Response:

Thank you for your question and for raising an issue that confronts many couples and which has been known to cause considerable stress and tension in a relationship.

To begin with, it is important to note that the physical limitations placed on a couple in a state of Niddah are there to maintain distance between them – so that they remain conscious of the fact that they may not engage in physical acts of an affectionate or sexual nature. Thus, while these laws are not meant to cause distress, they are intended to maintain affectionate and sexual distance – which is likely cause a couple to feel differently, as compared to how they usually feel when affectionate and sexual contact is permitted.

Still, while some people – and more so men – often struggle to distinguish between sexual and non-sexual touch and view one as a means to the other, there are those – including many women – who are perfectly able to maintain a clear boundary between sexual and non-sexual touch and who, in particular situations and especially when in need of emotional reassurance or comfort, would greatly appreciate holding hands with, or being hugged by, their spouse.

Admittedly, while we know this about human nature, most halachic decisors only permit – at least in their formal halachic rulings – any form of physical contact between a husband and wife in a state of Niddah in the rarest of situations, such as where one is unwell and needs the physical assistance of the other. Still, there are individual situations when greater halachic flexibility can be advised by a halachic decisior to a particular couple – notwithstanding the fact that these solutions are often not found or shared online or in print for fear that such permission for very specific and extreme situations may be misapplied in less extreme situations.

Given this, my advice would be that if you – as an individual and as a couple – merely feel distant from each other and nothing more, then you should understand that one of the reasons for these restrictions is to establish this feeling of distance, but that you should do what you can during this period of time to create closeness in