Empowerment Through Modesty

Sep 1, 2021 | Jewish thought and practice, Mind & Body

Written by Rivka Hinda Zuber

You are drawn to beauty. 

If you’re not, you still define yourself by the flipside of that paradigm. 

It’s not just you. It’s me. It’s all of us. This is because the aesthetic makes us happy. Whether it’s backpacking through nature, globe-trotting to see architecture, or scouring magazines for the latest fashions, we all share a relationship with beauty. People enjoy feasting their eyes on that which fills them with pleasure; or, if nothing else, they gain something from resenting it.

Why is that? 

Beauty, or symmetry, implies order, control over chaos. Martin Ohm, a mathematician from 19th century Germany, called this magical formula “the golden ratio.” As a mathematical equation, the golden ratio is considered a representation of perfect harmony since the closer something or someone is to it, the higher the global consensus on that thing’s (or person’s) beauty. Did you know George Clooney is considered one of the best-looking actors in Hollywood? He’s the closest any man has come to physical perfection. 

Since life can get pretty messy, it’s understandable that many of us would feel attracted to the idea that symmetry is the vehicle to lasting joy and fulfillment. 

But is it?

Um, no. 

For obvious reasons, the logic behind the golden ratio doesn’t pass muster. When people focus entirely on external charm, they don’t necessarily experience more satisfying lives. If anything, interacting with something that takes one further from happiness is a sure recipe for disaster. Like filling a sand bucket with a crack at the bottom, people who overemphasize that which is fragile and transient will grow increasingly insecure in their struggle to stay young and gorgeous. 

Many of us are disenchanted with western civilization’s bombardment of the message that money, status, and beauty can bring us everlasting peace and happiness. As a result, there is a growing demand by the global community for a shift in consciousness about it. There are only so many years that people can spend accumulating stuff and tweaking their appearances before they get exasperated, cash in on their mid-life crisis, quit their job, divorce their spouses, and buy a sports car. In other words, double down on their toxic behavior.

Since many of us cannot afford a mid-life (or even a quarter-life) crisis, how do we work on avoiding the smaller scale pain of living lives of quiet desperation?

Years ago, Rabbi Doniel Katz, world-renowned teacher and CEO of the Elevation Seminar, sensed which way the wind was blowing and invited people to deepen their understanding of beauty so that they could experience the lasting joy and fulfillment they craved without settling for the temporary highs offered by the consumer industry. After all, beauty itself isn’t self-defeating. Ultimately, the choices one makes about how she will survive and thrive are dependent on her understanding of beauty as well as her ability to use it to make her own happiness manifest. 

Beauty is like two sides of one coin; in other words, it is like a fruit, but it is also like the peel that covers the fruit. The peel’s function is to flash yellow, pink, or green, letting the world know the fruit is ripe and ready for plucking. The pitfall here is that many people misread the

signals. They settle for the peel, not realizing that it isn’t the peel that gives nourishment, it’s the fruit.

The same axiom can be applied to people. Since beauty is very much a feminine characteristic, it stands to reason that this topic touches women on a deeper note than it does men. Women want to be acknowledged for their internal beauty, and they want to be seen. 

Many people will bare a little extra skin, or flash their money and social status, in an effort to attract the attention of that special someone who will then have the opportunity to get to know the real them. The problem here is that this method often leads to two headspaces as well as two conversations. She is thinking one thing; he is probably somewhere else. 

The more a person flashes, the harder it is to see his or her soul. Picture a starlit sky at night. Not a cloud in sight. It’s summer, and you’re watching the annual meteor shower. Then, someone flips on the patio lights. Oh, blindness. Oh, agony. Would you be able to focus on the sky under such conditions? This is the Torah’s definition of ugliness. It is the light pollution that camouflages the stars. It is that which makes it difficult for someone else to see, experience, and appreciate the real you.  

But how else are we supposed to get his attention?

One of the Torah’s many words for true beauty is the revelation of the internal through the external. The reality is that the more externally beautiful a person is (i.e. the stronger their ability to flash) the harder it is to tap into their internal beauty. This opaqueness is like a cloud cover on a stormy night. When the rain stops, and the clouds clear up, you can see the sky and stars. The fascinating truth is that when a person is clear about who she is, and what she is looking for, she may be downsizing her net, but she is simultaneously maximizing her efforts on catching the attention of like-minded people. In this context, beauty is the act of being transparent, and in a general sense, it is really just about showing up and being present in a situation. 

If you want to show someone the window into your soul, your personality, interests, quirks, passions, values, and you as the sum total of your experiences, you need to be authentic. Many of us will use our flash as a way to distract others from seeing the real us because we do not actually want to be seen. This insecurity reflects ugly behavior. Not hard on the eyes like bad posture or pimply skin, but ugly in the sense that you are hiding away your beauty.

If beauty is authenticity, then modesty is the vehicle by which a person can be authentic. When we harness our feminine beauty and channel it so that others have the opportunity to see and experience the real us, that’s empowerment through modesty.

In an overly sexualized culture, one where flash

is valued and a woman’s virtue has been ground down to dust, the world is ripe for change. As Russell Brand, English comic, actor, and recovered drug addict said, “We don’t need a world with more people who believe in G-d. What we do need is a world where the people who do believe in God act on it more.”. 

When Ruchie Freier, a Borough Park native, got nominated for night judge in Brooklyn, she also won the rights to the title of first Hasidic woman to become a judge. It is no exaggeration that her choice to go in that direction caused quite a stir, not just in her community, but among the unaffiliated as well. Since her upbringing had insulated her with a set of standards that differed vastly from that of her secular environment, it didn’t take Ruchie long to acknowledge that she was also uniquely qualified to offer her observant brothers and sisters encouragement to be themselves in the workplace. She shared one anecdote which had me shaking my head in admiration. “It’s no secret,” she said, “that I was cut from a different cloth than the other women at my office. I didn’t shake hands with men. If I met one on one with a male colleague, I always kept the door open. I only wore skirts. There was one casual Friday when I had a brief tussle with myself before showing up to work in sleeves that ended at the elbow (in many Hasidic communities, the standard is for women to cover their arms up to the wrists).” She laughed here, “At some point over the course of the morning, one of the lawyers paused by my desk to comment, ‘Rachel, I can see your forearms.’ I found the incident funny,” she ended, “but it also gave me some insight into my relationship with my coworkers. Up until this point, I knew the people in my district tolerated my standards with good humor. Sure, there were people who told me outright that they appreciated the logic behind some of the behaviors I upheld, but for the most part, people smiled and went along with my ‘shenanigans.’ This interaction forced me to acknowledge that there were actually people who wanted me, or at the very least, they wanted someone, who would set a standard.” People need someone to look up to. Ruchie’s experience, her willingness to show up and be real about who she was in an environment that could have been potentially hostile is empowered modesty. 

If modesty is toning down the behaviors we display in order to compensate for our perceived shortcomings, then I, too, am engaged in the struggle to be authentic on a daily basis. The work is painful, but the payout is great. It requires us to sit down with ourselves and ask questions like, “Who am I?,” “What am I interested in?,” “What are my values?” “What kind of person do I want to start a relationship with?”. Do not skip this step. Do not rush it, and spend your time scrolling through pictures on social media or binge-watching clips on Instagram or TikTok. In short, do not get distracted. We are all seekers of beauty, and if we sharpen our ability to see, we will obtain it.

Beauty is like two sides of one coin; in other words, it is like a fruit, but it is also like the peel that covers the fruit. The peel’s function is to flash yellow, pink, or green, letting the world know the fruit is ripe and ready for plucking. The pitfall here is that many people misread the signals. They settle for the peel, not realizing that it isn’t the peel that gives nourishment, it’s the fruit.

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