Rediscovering Joy in Life After The Death of a Spouse

After graduating from college in 1979, I found an apartment with roommates on New York’s Upper West Side. In this building, I met Craig Heller, who lived two floors below me and would become my husband a year later. We had our good times and our difficult and challenging times. We grew together as we faced our problems and sometimes overwhelming circumstances. Just when we thought that things were finally settling down in our lives, a new word entered our household. It is a word that no one wants to welcome through the door, the uninvited guest called cancer. In the fall of the year 2000, Craig was diagnosed with cancer of unknown primary which had metastasized in his liver. Doctors don’t know what causes this and it is not one of the more common cancers. It is hard to trace its origin since its source is unknown. It was hard to believe that Craig, who emphasized to us the importance of exercise and of cutting down on sugar, was the one to have cancer. At the time of the diagnosis, our kids were 10 and 5. Navigating the treatments and hospital stays while raising our kids was scary and filled with many unknowns about the future. 

With intense chemo and four surgical procedures, Craig was blessed with an eight-month remission. Since he fought so valiantly and did so well with the treatments in spite of the side effects, we thought that we were done with cancer. How wrong we were. When the cancer returned, it came back with a vengeance and Craig lost his battle in August of 2002. In addition to dealing with my grief of being a widow, I had to help our kids, now 12 and 7, also be able to process their grief. How was I going to be both mother and father to them? Two of the grandparents were deceased and the other two grandparents lived far away and were not in

good health. It was up to me to make things work out and carry on Craig’s legacy for myself and for our kids in the best way that I could. 

Now, all these years later, my kids are amazing adults, admired and liked by so many and I have two adorable grandchildren. How did we get from the overwhelming feelings of grief and devastation to where we are today? While I had to actively take charge and make sure that our needs were met, I don’t take full credit for raising Gila and Elliot. The Jewish community of Baltimore, my four wonderful siblings, extended family members and out-of-town friends all played a strong role in bringing us comfort and helping us with getting through difficult times. I will always remember the many Shabbat meals at so many homes and hosting others in my home. The bereavement group I attended for the first two years after my husband died, the therapist I saw and the family bereavement group I went to with my kids also played a part in easing our transition from a family of four to a family of three. 

While Craig may no longer be with us physically, he lives on in so many ways. We sometimes remember some of his favorite expressions, things he used to say, words of encouragement he would offer. Sometimes, I have a dream or a vision of him telling me how to handle a situation. My kids loved eating Wacky Mac and I used to make it a lot for them. One day as I was loading it into my cart, I had a vision of Craig telling me not to let the kids eat it so often as it wasn’t healthy. It then became a Shabbat treat instead of something that they ate regularly all week long. When Craig was faced with a difficult situation, he would often say, “Heller doesn’t go down without a fight.” I often try to remember this when I feel threatened by the actions of

Since my husband’s death, we have been able to celebrate our birthdays, my son’s Bar Mitzvah and my daughter’s wedding. We have also attended weddings and Bnei Mitzvah ceremonies of family members and friends. While we missed having Craig with us, we always found someone to talk to at these celebrations and we were happy to be there, taking a break from our usual routines.

When I became an empty nester, I felt as though I was starting the grieving process again, but in a different way. I could no longer count on my kids to be my companions. Since the COVID-19 pandemic started two years ago, I have had to spend a great deal of time alone. While not always my first choice, my Shabbatot alone can be peaceful and relaxing. It has become a chance to get to know myself better and to find what will bring me the most comfort and peace in my daily life. 

How does one pick up the pieces of a life that feels broken after losing a loved one?

Know that life will go on, but it will be very different. Don’t be afraid to face this different life. Know that your loved one is cheering you on

from the next world. While the wound of this loss never fully heals, and the feeling of sadness is still there, you can still find happiness and fulfillment in life. This hole will never go away but it won’t take over your life if you allow yourself to find happiness. Accepting your feelings will allow you to move forward and help you to continue to enjoy life to its fullest.

Here are some key points to remember.

– Remember that your life will continue, but it will be very different.

– Consider joining a support group if you think it will be helpful to you.

– Keep connections alive with family and friends. Although they can’t bring back your wife or husband, connecting with others will both ease your loneliness and keep the memory of your loved one alive.

– Be open about sharing your feelings with family members and friends. It will not make your loss harder, but actually a little less painful. Talking about your loved one can bring