Ruti’s Remedies: Guard Your Marriage Like You Guard Your Matzah
Written by Ruti Eastman
A friend who is thinking about getting married was asking for advice, and we got around to discussing the hard work involved. He said that he is not quite sure he’s ready for “hard work,” and I realized that the concept needed some elucidation. The following example illustrates what I meant.
I decided to give him a hypothetical case that fit the time period we just left, the Pesach holiday. The husband, being cost-conscious ― as we should be, especially during the easy-to-overspend holiday period ― persuades his wife to buy only a box of three handmade shmura matzot rather than a full kilo, as handmade shmura matzot are much more expensive than machine-made, but his wife prefers handmade. They will celebrate the Seder at the home of their children and grandchildren. The hostess says that she will provide matzah for the Seder meal, but the guests should bring any extra matzah they might want to eat. (Those who eat specialty matzot ― spelt, oat, handmade shmura ― know that this should also be read as an invitation to bring to the meals whatever they need personally.) The husband in our story plans to lead the Seder using the matzot provided by the hostess for the meal, and his wife will have her matzah to eat sparingly throughout the days of the holiday. If she shepherds her portion carefully, they can save money and she can even have a small piece left over for Pesach Sheni.
In the throes of leading the Seder, the husband either changes his plan or simply forgets his plan, and distributes all of his wife’s matzot (save for a piece of afikomen) to the crowd.
His wife has to work on herself a LOT. These are the little moments when fights can happen in a marriage, when we accuse our spouse of not loving us, of being thoughtless and careless of
our feelings. You trapped me into only three pieces of matzah, made me feel like a spendthrift if I would buy a kilo, and then gave away the tiny portion you had allowed me. If we’d bought the kilo, you could have been as generous as your nature demands. But no. My small portion was nearly depleted. Justifiable self-pity and anger. But this does not help a marriage to survive and thrive.
We are not supposed to be doormats and martyrs, either. So how to handle the problem? A simple statement sends the message; but it has to be rehearsed mentally first so it doesn’t sound whiny, manipulative or mean. The wife speaks carefully, making sure there is no trace of resentment in her voice. “Ah, good. We can use the three pieces of machine-made spelt matzot we have left from the chocolate matzah we made for the grandkids for the Shabbat meals; and I can take a small piece of the afikomen for that Shabbat and save the rest for Pesach Sheni.”
Now the ball is in her partner’s court. Being just as committed to their marriage as his wife is, he sees his error. “I really just forgot! I’m so sorry!” Instead of rationalizing to save face, he apologizes and sincerely offers the option of picking up another box of three matzot before the next Shabbat. Laughing at himself, he promises that next year, she can buy the whole kilo. She forgives him and peace reigns, rather than a long-term fight raining on their happy marriage.
You see what I’m talking about here? This couple’s marriage and its health and happiness matter more to them than being right, than getting everything their own way, even when they know they’re right.
Over the years, each member of this long-married couple takes turns going through processes like this, because nothing matters as much as their relationship. But it isn’t easy. It takes oodles and oodles and MOUNTAINS of self-control, of giving the benefit of the doubt, of being willing to bend and compromise, of seeing the Big Picture of their long-term relationship as more important than this moment’s wish fulfillment.
This is the “hard work” I’m talking about, and it is so worth it, for your marriage and for your own spiritual growth. The work of marriage isn’t about recreating your spouse the way you think they should be. It’s not about fighting to change their thinking or even their habits. We can try our best to make our wishes known, and perhaps our spouse can choose to make some changes based on those desires. But you cannot change another human being. The work of marriage is in making yourself into the best partner you can be for the length of your relationship. If both of you put in this effort, you can build a little piece of heaven on Earth.
Guard your marriage at least as carefully as you guard your matzah. The rewards will last far beyond the week of Pesach!
The work of marriage is in making yourself into the best partner you can be for the length of your relationship.
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