Ask the Rabba June 2022
Each month Rabba Melissa Scholten-Gutierrez answers questions from our readers. If you have a question you can email us at questions@unorthoboxed.com.
Dear Rabba,
My best friend asked me to sign her ketubah as a witness. I thought that technically, according to Jewish law, only men over bar mitzvah age can be witnesses. Am I allowed to be a witness on her ketubah? Would it invalidate the ketubah if I did sign it as one of the witnesses?
While I consider myself Modern Orthodox, she (and her future husband) are part of the Conservative Movement. I don’t want to hurt her by refusing to sign it, and I don’t feel super comfortable about refusing on my religious beliefs when it’s her ketubah (and according to her practice, a woman can be a witness). Additionally, I think if I say no, she’ll probably ask another one of our female friends anyway. AND I don’t want to cause her to look badly upon halacha/tradition by explaining what could easily be perceived as a sexist rule.
Would love any halachic advice/help you can offer!
Thanks!!
Dani
Hey Dani,
Mazal tov! Weddings are so wonderful, and when friends are coming from different halachic places they can become difficult to navigate. You are correct in your understanding that according to (an Orthodox understanding of) Halacha only men can serve as a witness, however that is not the case in the Conservative movement. It is not just her practice, her movement actually understands the Halacha differently. The invalidation of the ketubah becomes complex similarly, as if she ever needs her ketubah in an Orthodox setting it would in fact be invalidated by having female signatures. However if you believe she may ask another female friend it is a moot point. That said, I would advise against any woman who identifies as Modern Orthodox signing a ketubah.
I hear your pain and struggle, and the real desire to say yes, so I do want to share a number of ways which are not a halachic problem that would allow you to be involved in her wedding including: helping lead a tisch, serving as MC, reading the ketubah in Hebrew or an adaptive English, reciting one of the Sheva Brachot (there are some differing opinions on this so follow up if this is the right route), and/or reciting the blessing from Rav Amram Gaon’s Siddur.
There is also the civil marriage license which needs witnesses and is not a halachic document!
The pastoral piece of this is also huge, as this is your best friend and it’s clear you want to navigate this conversation delicately. My instinct would be to avoid explaining the nuances and to come from a place of love – I’m sure that by now she knows you have differing practices.Hopefully this will allow you to instead work together to find a better way for you to be included in this holy moment.
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